Teaching Pre-Teens & Teens about Consent

By Eleanor Beeslaar, Graduate Assistant

As your kids get older and more mature, your conversations about consent can cover more complex topics. The pre-teen and teen years are a good age to discuss topics like coercion and manipulation, while also introducing information about building healthy relationships with friends and dating partners. At this age, it’s also essential to continue teaching kids how to set healthy boundaries with their peers, as well as with romantic partners as they begin to date. Talking to your pre-teen or teen about consent will help them learn important, lifelong skills to develop happy, healthy, and safe relationships of all kinds! Check out these tips to help you continue the conversation of consent with your kids 

Talk about what consent is vs. isn’t. One of the most important things to help your child understand is what consent is versus what it isn’t. This will help set the stage for later conversations about other topics, such as healthy boundaries, peer pressure, and coercion. Help your pre-teen/teen understand the following:

  • Consent is voluntary. It is freely and willingly given and is not manipulated or forced. Consent cannot be given when someone is under the influence of a substance (i.e. alcohol). 
  • Consent is mutual. Both people in the relationship give clear verbal agreements about what they want. Consent cannot occur if only one person is willing or if it is unclear whether or not someone is giving consent.
  • Consent is ongoing. It is important to ask for consent every time, regardless of whether or not someone has consented to something in the past. Just because someone was okay with something in the past, does not mean you can assume they are always okay with it.
  • Consent is mandatory. It is critical to always seek consent. Consent is never optional!
  • Consent is enthusiastic! Both partners should be excited and show enthusiasm. If someone sounds apprehensive or unsure, it’s not consent.
  • Consent is reversible. You can change your mind at any time, and you can say no to things you have consented to in the past.

For more information, visit https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/what-consent/. 

Talk about coercion and peer pressure. Coercion and peer pressure can begin to emerge during middle school and continue well into high school, so it’s important to have a conversation with your pre-teen/teen about how to handle these tricky situations. Teach them that consent cannot be given when someone is being coerced or pressured into doing something they’re really not okay with. It’s important to teach your pre-teen/teen that this doesn’t just apply to sexual activity. It can involve a wide range of activities and situations from manipulating someone to do something for you that they’re not okay with, like copying homework, to pressuring someone into a romantic/dating relationship. 

Talk about healthy boundaries. When talking to your pre-teens/teens about consent, remember to emphasize that consent is all about respect. It means respecting someone else’s boundaries, and expecting the same in return for ourselves! Help your teen learn how to recognize the difference between healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries, how to set healthy boundaries, and how to deal with boundary violations. Helping your teen learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, will set the stage for a lifetime or healthy relationships!

Talk about what healthy vs. unhealthy dating relationships look like. Pre-teens and teens are at the age where they begin to develop crushes and maybe even enter into dating relationships. As a parent, this can feel scary, as it signifies that your child is growing up. However, it’s important to talk with your pre-teen/teen about how to develop healthy dating relationships and practice consent with romantic partners. This includes talking about consent in the context of physical and sexual intimacy. When you engage in an open and non-judgemental conversation with your pre-teen/teen, you can help them understand what to look for in a healthy dating partner, how to practice consent, and what healthy relationships look like. This can also help your teen feel more comfortable to maintain an open dialogue and come to you with questions in the future. 

Talk about teen dating violence. We can’t talk about consent without also addressing teen dating violence, as in abusive and unhealthy relationships, there is often a lack of consent. Unfortunately abuse and dating violence can start at a young age, so it’s important to talk to your pre-teen/teen about the warning signs of dating violence and the resources available to reach out to for help. 

Remember, talking about consent is an ongoing process, so keep an open dialogue with your pre-teen/teen!

Teaching Young Children about Consent

By Eleanor Beeslaar, Graduate Assistant

Education about consent should start early! When we start the conversation about consent at a young age, kids are able to develop a strong foundation to build healthy boundaries and relationships throughout their lifetime. Below are some tips to help you teach your elementary schooler about consent.

Teach correct vocabulary. An important step in building the foundation to discuss consent with younger children is teaching the correct, scientific vocabulary to describe body parts and genitalia, instead of using coded language. When we use the correct anatomical terms when teaching kids about their bodies, it keeps kids from getting confused and ensures that adults will understand if they reach out for help regarding abuse. It also helps break down the stigma about talking about bodies, sex, and consent, helping kids feel less embarrassed when having these conversations in the future.

Teach your kids that their body belongs to them. A key element in teaching children about healthy boundaries and consent is empowering them to have autonomy over their bodies. Teach them that they have power and control over who they share physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, tickling, and high fives, with. It is critical to teach kids that if they are uncomfortable, they have the right to say “no,” and it is the other person’s responsibility to listen and stop immediately. This also involves respecting your kids’ boundaries if they don’t want to give you or another family member a hug or kiss. 

Teach them that consent goes both ways. It is also important to teach children how to ask for consent. Using concrete examples can help make this concept easier to understand. For example, if they want to give someone a hug or a high five, they should ask first instead of assuming that the other person will be okay with it.

Talk about consent with friends and family. Part of teaching kids about consent and bodily autonomy means letting friends and family in on the conversation. This might look like educating them about your child’s autonomy and boundaries. For example, if a grandparent wants a hug or kiss from your child, it’s important for them to respect your child’s decision if they refuse. When you talk about this ahead of time, you can make sure that you and the grandparent are on the same page, so your kids aren’t receiving mixed messages. 

Talk about body safety and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch/behavior. This involves talking to kids about their bodies, including private areas. For younger children, you can use the bathing suit rule to help talk about appropriate vs. inappropriate touch. You can explain that it is only okay for parents, teachers, babysitters, or doctors to touch you in these areas when they are helping you go to the bathroom, take a bath, or during a check-up. It is important to be clear that the touch should be quick and only for those reasons. Be sure to tell your children that if they ever feel uncomfortable in these situations, it is important to tell a trusted adult, and that if anyone else touches them in these areas, they should tell an adult right away. A key part of talking about appropriate vs. inappropriate touch is telling kids that any type of touch that makes them feel uncomfortable is not okay. The body safety conversation also involves talking about inappropriate behaviors, such as adults asking kids to keep secrets, making inappropriate comments, taking or showing sexual pictures, etc. Use examples and be clear and concrete when having this conversation. And remember to communicate that it is never the victim’s fault!

Check out this great video that breaks down consent in a kid-friendly way! 

The conversation about consent and boundaries is ongoing and changes as your child gets older. We encourage you to keep an open line of communication about these topics as your child grows, and stay tuned as we talk about consent with pre-teens and teens in our upcoming blog!

Teaching Kids about Consent at Every Age: Series Intro

Consent is important at every age, and as adults, it’s important for us to teach kids about consent in developmentally appropriate ways. This can feel challenging at times, as it can be difficult to know which information is appropriate at which age; however, it’s essential for healthy development. When we teach children about consent starting at an early age and maintain an open and ongoing conversation as they get older, they can learn how to set healthy boundaries, develop healthy relationships throughout life, and ask for help when they need it! Talking to children about consent can also empower them to feel in control of their bodies and can help prevent child abuse and sexual assault.

In honor of April’s Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we will be sharing tips to help you teach kids about consent at different ages!

Connecting as a Couple During COVID-19: Communicate with Tech

Learn how to share your feelings and resolve conflict by communicating through technology. An important part of connecting as a couple while social distancing is to learn how to adapt to communicating in a new way. Because you may not see each other in person very often, it is crucial to be able to share your feelings and be vulnerable over the phone. When you are having serious conversations and bringing up challenging topics, try not to do so over text, as it is much easier for your words and intentions to get lost in translation. Instead, schedule a time to talk over the phone or video chat when having these conversations. 

By being intentional and addressing you and your partner’s emotions – both the fears and joy – you can build intimacy and overcome challenges, which will build a strong foundation for your relationship to grow and thrive!

Connecting as a Couple During COVID-19: Find Things You Can Do Together While Apart

Find things you can do together while apart. It’s important to find ways to spend time together while you are apart to continue to build and strengthen your relationship. Although you are not physically together, there are many great ways to spend time together and create shared experiences from afar. Here are some things that you and your partner can do to build connection and spend time together while social distancing:

  • Watch a movie or TV series together. You can do this by watching the same thing while on a video call. There are also apps and websites such as Rabbit, which allow you to watch a movie or TV series with another person through the app/website. This is a great way to share your interests and stay connected with your partner!
  • Read the same book. If you both like to read, you can take turns choosing a book to read at the same time. As you read, you and your partner can have conversations about the book you are reading, which can help you feel more connected and have fun while apart!
  • Plan a video chat date night! A great way to spend time together while social distancing is to plan date nights over video chat, such as FaceTime or Skype.
  • Find online games you both like to play. If you and your partner enjoy video or computer games, a great way to spend time together and feel more connected is by playing multiplayer games together, while talking on the phone. 
  • Listen to music together. Another way you and your partner can connect and spend time together is to share your favorite music with each other. You can create playlists for one another to listen to, helping you learn more about your partner and feel closer to one another. 

We encourage you to try out some of these suggestions or to find other shared interests and activities that you can do together while you are apart!

Connecting as a Couple during COVID-19: Focus on Quality Communication

Focus on quality communication.  Because you may not be able to see each other as often as you would due to social distancing, it’s important to set aside time to talk. Though texting is a quick and easy way to stay connected with your partner throughout the day, we encourage you to spend time calling or video chatting for more quality communication that fosters intimacy and connection. When you are talking with your partner, be sure to try your best to stay in the present moment and make the most of your time together. 

Keep in mind that quality communication does not mean you always need to have serious conversations. It may look like video calling while you cook dinner or watch the same movie. Sometimes, just being connected while doing simple tasks that you would normally do together can help you feel closer and build intimacy. 

Quality communication may also look different for each couple. A good rule to follow is to communicate as much or as little as you need to feel connected. Some couples may need to talk every day, while others may feel more comfortable with less frequent communication. Talk to your partner and figure out what works best for both of you to feel like your needs are being met in the relationship. 

Some little things you can do to promote connection and communication while social distancing include sending one another messages of gratitude, sending “good morning” and “good night” texts, and texting each other things you love about one another.

Connecting as a Couple During COVID-19: Adapt Your Perspective

Be willing to adapt your perspective on what dating and connection look like. Connecting while social distancing can feel daunting, and it’s normal to feel scared or worried about what this means for your relationship moving forward. However, it’s important to remember that your perspective and attitude can greatly impact how you and your partner approach and navigate this new phase of your relationship. 

We encourage you to shift your perspective and view social distancing as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and grow closer with your partner. When you look at social distancing as something that can lead to a healthier and happier relationship, you will feel more motivated to do the work necessary for your relationship to thrive. Maintaining a more positive outlook will also help you overcome and grow stronger through the challenges you face.

Connecting as a Couple While Social Distancing

We’ve had to make a lot of adjustments in our lives and adapt to some pretty big changes over the past couple of weeks due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and this includes how we connect as couples and navigate the dating world. With social distancing, self-isolation, and self-quarantine become key components in slowing the spread of coronavirus, dating looks a bit different right now. Whether you just started seeing someone or have been in a relationship for a while now, the current circumstances can make it challenging to connect as a couple in the ways that we are used to. If you’re struggling with this, know that you are not alone in this, and it’s normal for us to be feeling unsure of how to connect in this new world of social distancing. 

Social connection with our loved ones is so important as we move through life with these recent changes, so we’ve developed a series of tips to help couples connect with one another in new ways during this time of social distancing!