How to Ease the Discomfort of Small Talk

By Christine Murray

Does the thought of making small talk at holiday gatherings make you uncomfortable – or even full of dread? You’re not alone!

HRI is here to help! Keep the SMALL TALK tips below in mind to help ease some of the discomforts that can come up in small talk conversations during the holiday season (and beyond!):

Start small: People often feel pressure to come up with some super-creative opening when meeting someone new. However, it’s perfectly fine to keep things simple. You can start small talk conversations with a smile and by asking, “How are you?” or another simple question like, “How has your holiday season been going so far?” Try to ease into the conversation without the added pressure to start with a masterful opening line. 

Manage your emotions: It’s natural to have some uncomfortable feelings come up if small talk isn’t easy for you. Your feelings might include nervousness, loneliness, and awkwardness. Acknowledge any feelings that arise, remind yourself that they’re normal and valid feelings in uncomfortable situations, and process them in ways that feel healthy to you. 

Ask questions: In small talk situations, people may feel pressure to tell a funny story or say something profound. However, one of the best ways to navigate small talk is by asking curious questions to get to know the other person a little better. You can keep your questions light and relatively surface-level. Remember that most people don’t feel comfortable sharing their deepest, darkest secrets with people they’ve just met! Here are a few questions you might consider adapting in your next small talk conversation: (1) How do you know the host of this party?; (2) Do you have any travel plans coming up that you’re excited about?; and (3) What’s your favorite holiday food to eat this time of year? 

Listen closely: Whether you’ve just asked a question or the other person is sharing spontaneously, practice active listening. Even though small talk isn’t usually the time for deep, intense conversations, it is still helpful to be intentional to listen with curiosity and a goal of understanding the other person. 

Look for connections: This tip can become a fun part of having small talk conversations. You might even make it a little game of it and challenge yourself to find something in common (no matter how seemingly small or insignificant!) with every person you chat with. Whether it’s a favorite food, a person you both know in common, or a shared life experience (e.g., growing up in the same town or attending the same college), chances are, you can find *something* in common with almost anyone. Here’s a tip if you’re having a hard time finding something: You can always zoom out! Maybe you both don’t have the same favorite football team, but the fact that you both have a favorite football team means that you’re both football fans. Even relatively obscure connections between you and your small talk companions can go a long way toward keeping the conversation going. 

Take your time: Many small talk conversations are relatively short, although people have different preferences at events regarding how much they like to mix and mingle versus having longer conversations with just a couple of people. Whatever your preference, remember that there is a difference between a *short* conversation and a *rushed* conversation. You can make even a relatively short conversation feel more meaningful by being present, avoiding looking around the room for who you will speak with next, and giving the other person your full attention, even if just briefly. 

Add a compliment: Many people appreciate when other people say kind things about them, even if some people get a bit uncomfortable when it comes to receiving compliments. When it comes to small talk, compliments can be a great way to start or end a conversation, as well as open up new topics of conversation in the middle of it. Make sure any compliments you offer are appropriate for the context of your conversation. Again, during small talk, compliments can be relatively surface-level and still have an impact. For example, you might compliment someone on a unique piece of jewelry they are wearing, or if the person with whom you’re talking did a public talk earlier in the day, then you might tell them something you found insightful in their remarks. Ending your chat with a simple compliment–such as “It was so lovely to hear your thoughts on…” or “You have such a kind spirit, and I enjoyed talking with you tonight”–can be a nice way to end your conversation on a positive note. 

Link in others: As we mentioned above, people differ with how many people they like to mingle with at social events. Chances are, even if you’re the type to prefer more in-depth conversations with a smaller number of people, there will still be some mingling involved as people enter and exit conversations. As much as possible, try to welcome this type of coming and going as a way to keep your conversations fresh. You might try to help facilitate introductions with new people who join your conversation, as well as point out connections you can see between people as you make your introductions. Here’s an example of what this might look like, “Shelly, it’s so nice to meet you. I’ve been chatting with Joe here for the past few minutes, and he was sharing about the big trip to the beach he took earlier this year. Do you have a favorite vacation that you’ve taken recently?”  

Keep reasonable expectations. Even with all of the tips above at your disposal, you may still never come to totally love small talk, and that is totally okay! One final way to help ease your discomfort around small talk is simply by focusing on keeping reasonable expectations about what small talk is. Some people you chat with may eventually become close friends, but even when this doesn’t happen, the time you spent talking doesn’t have to be considered a waste. Positive interactions with all kinds–even relatively light ones–can brighten up our days and help us feel more connected with the community around us. Try to focus on the positive aspects of any conversations you have, even if they never grow into deeper connections. Every exchange can brighten your day and foster a sense of belonging for you and others.