Forgiveness is an important part of developing and maintaining healthy relationships. It is rooted in growth, change, acceptance, and understanding, and it challenges us to work towards more positive communication and conflict resolution. When we consistently practice forgiveness in our relationships, we gain the capacity to hold more compassion, kindness, and patience for those we care about. Though forgiveness is necessary for building happy, healthy, and safe relationships, it isn’t always easy to forgive. In fact, sometimes, forgiveness can be one of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to learning how to forgive ourselves.
Stay tuned throughout the next week as we discuss forgiveness more in depth and provide some helpful tips to help you make forgiveness a more integral part of your relationships!
Collaboratively written by Taylor Gabbey, Adrienne Loffredo, Liz Mechan, and Macy Nesom
As a society, we are creating a cycle of suppression of emotions in boys. This, in turn, affects their relationships with significant others and their own children, creating cycle after cycle of severe mental health issues. Where do we start? We start with our own children. Validating emotions goes a long way. Below we have included a wonderful image from the Gottman Institute of things to stay instead of, “Stop crying”.
Kids feel the same emotions whether they are boys or girls. The difference is, how we as parents and society expect them to talk about and show their emotions or feelings.
We can normalize feeling talk. For example, instead of just asking, “How was your day?”, maybe also ask, “How are you feeling today?”. This allows room for children to name their emotions and work through them in a healthy way.
Here are some tips for parents of boys to keep in mind:
Sensitivity indicates a high EQ (Emotional Intelligence).
Boys and girls both experience sadness and hurt.
Boys need help processing emotions – talking about how they feel – just like many girls do.
Crying is a natural, physical response to sadness.
Emotional suppression is linked to higher suicide rates beginning as early as age 16.
Knowing these facts, here are some things to try:
Talk to your son(s) about their feelings.
Read books about emotions and help boys learn to name their feelings.
Be ready to listen when your son wants to talk about how he feels.
Try to limit advice-giving.
Develop regular family rituals that involve talking about feelings, such at dinner time or bedtime. When asking how someone’s day was, include questions about how they felt throughout the day.
Collaboratively written by Taylor Gabbey, Adrienne Loffredo, Liz Mechan, and Macy Nesom
Emotional suppression is linked to higher suicide rates beginning as early as age 16.
Boys who learn to suppress their emotions can become stoic men.Researchhas found that male stoicism (or closedness to feelings) can be linked to relational problems. This trait of stoicism correlates to lower psychological wellbeing. Even worse, stoicism affects a person’s attitude towards seeking mental health care. This essentially means that a child with suppressed emotions of sadness is much more likely to have psychological issues in adulthood (such as depression) and will have a harder time asking for help because they perceive asking for help as a negative, and potentially more feminine quality.
“Problems we think of as typically male (e.g. difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, rage) may be attempts to escape depression. Unfortunately, their attempts to escape this pain may hurt the people they love the most, and they often pass their conditions on to their children. “
– Erford & Hays, 2018
Join us for our next post in our “Let Boys Cry” series where we discuss healthy ways for parents to support their crying sons.
Collaboratively written by Taylor Gabbey, Adrienne Loffredo, Liz Mechan, and Macy Nesom
“You’re being a little girl. Do we need to get you a little pink dress? Be a big boy. Quit crying!”, a dad yelled at his son.
I was standing in line at the grocery store as I watched the meltdown unfold. The child was bawling after he had slipped and fallen on the floor. It took quite a bit of self-restraint to not say anything. Why couldn’t this boy cry? He was obviously hurt and possibly embarrassed from the fall. He was being told by his dad at a very fundamental age that crying – even when in pain- is bad. What emotion does that leave for young boys to feel and show?
Anger is often a secondary emotion when sadness is suppressed.
What may sound like a harmless comment can hold lifelong consequences, especially where children’s emotional development is concerned. Children learn very young which emotional expressions will be reprimanded versus which ones will be treated with more respect. For example, the phrase “Boys don’t cry,” carries several messages of invalidation. By saying don’t cry, the most natural human response to sadness is maligned, pushed aside as something inappropriate and undesirable. Even more harmful is the addition of boys; by framing the “don’t cry” message within the context of gender, this simple phrase invalidates a vital part of the child’s identity, essentially telling them that crying—and, by extension, sadness—removes their status as a male. A four-year-old who hears “real boys don’t cry” might truly believe that crying makes him literally less of a boy, and so he will begin emotionally suppressing his sadness out of fear of losing that identity. Older children, on the other hand, will instead hear the phrase as the insult it is often meant to be, and therefore respond to the statement as an overt act of discipline, discouraging the crying behavior and suppressing emotion even further.
The act of crying contrasts sharply from how parents often respond to anger in young boys. Instead of being met with “boys don’t get angry,” a child’s expression of anger is often taken more seriously. Parents are more likely to ask what triggered the anger, validate that feeling with quiet questions, and provide alternative ways to express the emotion. In some cases, a male child’s anger is even treated positively. Take, for example, the viral videos of young toddlers engaging in aggressive acts of anger, like swearing or throwing things. Even if it is well-intentioned, laughing at a child’s angry outbursts conveys to them that anger is okay and even desirable, while crying is not. The result of this emotion policing is that boys are trained to respond to all negative emotions with anger, which can create significant relationship problems later in life.
Join us for our next post in our “Let Boys Cry” series to learn how emotional suppression affects men in adulthood.
We all make mistakes and don’t always handle situations in the best way, and that’s okay. Mistakes are just a part of being human, so if you lose your cool, don’t beat yourself up about it. However, it is important that you apologize to your children after losing your temper. What started as a moment of chaos and frustration can turn into an opportunity for growth and learning. You can use this experience to help your kids understand why you were upset, which models healthy emotional expression and leads to more positive conflict resolution. Not only will this strengthen your relationship, but it will also help your kids learn how to express their emotions in a healthy way and take responsibility for their actions.
As we wrap up our Split Seconds: How to regain composure quickly as a parent series, we encourage you to keep the strategies we have covered in mind the next time you feel yourself losing control with your kids. Figure out what works best for you, and try combining strategies to regain composure even more effectively!
An important part of regaining composure as a parent is to set yourself up for success ahead of time. By creating consistency in your kids’ lives, you can avoid potentially stressful situations. A great way to establish consistency is to create a weekly routine and set clear rules and expectations. Developing predetermined rules and expectations can help you feel more prepared to handle challenging moments as a parent, leading to more constructive outcomes with your children.
It may also be helpful to identify triggers for challenging behavior and take action ahead of time to avoid these triggers. For example, if you know that your child gets cranky when they’re feeling hungry, try to keep some snacks handy when you’re running errands or engaging in long activities.
Another key element in being prepared for difficult parenting moments is establishing social support and engaging in self-care. When your needs are being met, you will have more patience and compassion for your kids and be less likely to lose your composure during stressful or frustrating situations. We encourage you to engage in a self-care activity at least once a week!
An important part of parenting is being aware of your kids’ experiences and trying to look at things through their eyes. If you approach situations or behaviors that may normally cause frustration or anger with a curious mindset, you have a better chance of understanding the why behind your child’s actions. When you understand your child’s reasoning or feelings behind their behavior, you can approach the situation with more compassion and empathy, leading to more effective and constructive outcomes.
When you’re feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with your kids and don’t know what to do, try asking if you can give them a hug. Hugging your kids during moments where you feel like you are losing composure can have a calming effect, reminding you of the loving bond you share. Focusing on physical and emotional connection not only helps you calm down, but it also shows your children that they are loved and cared for, which creates a better opportunity for effective discipline that promotes learning and growth.
