Yesterday was Elder Abuse Awareness Day, and to honor the elders in our community, we will be discussing ways to maintain healthy relationships in older adulthood. Healthy relationships are a significant factor in our overall health and well-being and can lead to better health outcomes and feelings of connection and belonging in older adulthood.
As you age, you may find it more difficult to stay connected and develop deep bonds with other people. This may be due to the loss of a partner or friends, being far away from family, or a number of other factors. Shrinking social circles and a loss of connection can lead to feelings of isolation and lower your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. However, there are many steps you can take to develop and maintain healthy relationships and strong ties with your community! By working toward developing these connections and relationships, you can combat loneliness and isolation, and instead promote your health and wellbeing as you age.
Stay tuned throughout the next few days, as we share tips to help you or a loved one maintain healthy relationships in older adulthood!
Relationships are a source of joy, meaning, and deep connection; however, they also bring sadness and pain during challenging times. Working through relationship struggles takes time, energy, and commitment. We hope that the series of steps we provided throughout the past week will help you repair your relationship, while also providing you a source of support.
When facing relationship challenges, try your best to remain positive, act with kindness and integrity, and stay calm. We also encourage you to take care of yourself during these moments and to pay close attention to what you need to feel calm and centered.
Professional counseling/therapy can be helpful for individuals, couples, and families at any time; however, it is especially important during life’s challenging moments. Professional counselors and therapists are equipped to help you navigate relationship chaos and provide the necessary support during life’s challenges. They can help you process your thoughts and feelings, develop new relationship skills, and gain valuable insights into your situation. These are some signs that it may be time to reach out for professional help:
You and/or the other person feel like you’ve tried everything you can do in your power to solve the situation, but you don’t see any progress.
You’ve noticed unhealthy or unsafe relationship behaviors creeping into your relationship. (Note: Any form of physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse or violence should be taken very seriously in a relationship. In relationships in which any form of violence is present, couples counseling is not recommended due to safety reasons. Individual counseling can provide support for the victim/survivor, and a domestic violence perpetrator intervention is recommended for anyone who uses abusive behaviors in the context of a relationship.)
You’ve developed mental health symptoms, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms, especially if they become more severe and frequent.
You’re failing to take care of yourself, such as by eating a nutritious diet or getting a healthy amount of sleep.
Thoughts of your relationship problems feel like they’re taking over your mind. You find yourself distracted and unable to focus on your work or other responsibilities.
You feel overwhelmed by the situation and confused about what to do.
As you consider seeking professional help during life struggles and relationship chaos, keep the following affirmation in mind: “It’s a sign of strength to have the courage to seek the help I need.”
We are excited to partner with Well∙Spring Solutions and Hospice and Palliative Care of Greensboro to offer relationship strengthening information and strategies to caregivers! Register for this free event here. If you need care for your loved one during this time, reservations are required by September 25th to April at afranklin@well-spring.org or (336) 274-3559.
It is normal to feel alone during times of relationship chaos and life struggles, especially when the other person in the relationship is a significant source of support and someone who you care deeply about. When your connection with that person isn’t as strong and the relationship feels fragile, it may be difficult to know where to go for support.
However, it is important to keep in mind that reaching out for support from friends and family members is a key step in navigating life’s challenges and relationship chaos. The following affirmation can serve to remind you that asking for help is okay and often times necessary for healing: “People who care about me would want to help me get through this.”
Before reaching out for help, it’s important to take some time to think about what would be most beneficial for you during these challenging times. Consider who would be most helpful to you and think about any negative consequences of involving others in your relationship problems. It’s also important to evaluate your intentions for seeking help and ensure that you are reaching out for the right reasons, such as support and guidance, instead of looking for someone to take your side and turn against the other person. When thinking about who you can reach out to for help consider qualities such as honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, respect, and compassion.
The following questions can help you determine who would be best equipped to provide support and guidance as you face relationship challenges:
Would this person have my best interests at heart?
Will this person offer be objective, reasonable advice, even if that means possibly telling me about things they think I’m doing that might be contributing to the situation?
Does this person know enough about my history to understand why I think and feel the way I do?
Is this person a good listener?
Can I trust this person not to tell the details of my problems to other people?
Once you have identified someone who you can answer “yes” to the questions above, consider how you will reach out to them for help. Having someone who you can trust to support you, while also giving you honest feedback can bring feelings comfort during these challenging times.
When facing relationship struggles and life’s challenges, it’s important to remain hopeful and keep a positive attitude. The following affirmation can help you keep a positive mindset during difficult times: “This situation is difficult, but I trust that I/we will get through it and that there is something positive waiting for me/us on the other side.”
A positive attitude can help you accept the struggles you are currently facing, while also helping you trust that these challenges can be overcome. Negativity, on the other hand, can lead to even more feelings of hopelessness and leave you and those in your relationships feeling defeated, making it more difficult to find a solution and repair your relationship.
A great way to keep a positive mindset during difficult times is to reframe the challenges you are facing as an opportunity to learn and grow both as a person and in your relationships. Working through the life and relationship struggles you face in a healthy way can be a chance to deepen and strengthen your connection in your relationship.
In addition to maintaining a positive outlook yourself, try to encourage the other person to adopt this positive mindset as well. Keep in mind that it is up to the other person to decide if they will adopt an attitude of positivity, and if they choose not to do so, you may need to work harder to stay positive yourself. However, setting the intention to remain positive during challenging times can help both of you look towards solutions and resolve your conflicts in a healthy way.
During relationship chaos and life’s challenging times, it is crucial to practice strong relationship skills in order to keep your relationship healthy. This includes engaging in positive communication skills, such as being clear, direct, and thoughtful when speaking and using active listening to better understand the other person. Other skills that are needed to strengthen your relationship during challenges include: conflict management, problem-solving, emotion regulation, and repairing disconnection.
An important part in being able to use these healthy relationships skills is to practice them before relationship chaos and life challenges erupt. Take time to strengthen your relationship and build up your relationship skills toolbox during the calm, positive moments in your relationship. HRI has many great resources to help you do this!
If you practice healthy relationship skills when everything feels like smooth sailing, it will be much easier to use these skills during the times where your relationship feels like its sailing through choppy waters or heading into a big storm. Although it can be challenging to keep using positive relationship skills when times get tough, it is important to keep trying, because the more you use these skills, chances are the conflict will not escalate as easily or as quickly. In fact, it will also be easier to repair your relationship and work towards reconnecting after the conflict, if you practice your healthy relationship skills!
Here is a great affirmation to use to help you practice positive relationship skills during moments of chaos and conflict: “Relationship challenges are opportunities to practice positive communication and other healthy relationship skills.”
Earlier this week, we talked about the importance of owning your values and showing kindness even when the other person is being hurtful, as well as accepting that you can only control your own actions and emotions. However, this does not mean that you should allow others to treat you in ways that are hurtful and damaging to you, your relationship, and anyone else involved.
It is essential to communicate your boundaries to the other person during relationship chaos and life challenges. Although it’s up to them to decide if they will honor or violate your boundaries, it will be much easier for you to gauge if they have crossed your boundaries if you are sure that you have communicated the boundaries to them. It will also be easier to reinforce boundaries and take the steps necessary to discuss boundary violations, if you have communicated them beforehand.
As you engage in the process of discovering, communicating, and maintaining your boundaries, keep the following affirmation in mind: “I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.”
Here are some steps to help you set boundaries during relationship challenges:
Engaging in self-reflection: Identify your needs for how you want to be treated within the context of that relationship.
Turning insight into boundaries: Translate the needs you identified in Step 1 into boundaries for your relationship. Identify which behaviors will and will not be acceptable to you in the relationship.
Determining how to communicate your boundaries: Take time to think through the most positive way you can communicate your boundaries to the other person. Consider how you can convey these in a non-threatening manner, so that the other person will be least defensive and most receptive to your needs.
Communicating your boundaries: Find a good time that feels relatively calm and stable. Be calm and clear. If you’re confident in your needs, communicate them firmly but in a caring manner. To the extent you feel it’s necessary, share the rationale for your boundaries. However, if you’re certain about them, avoid getting into a debate them with the other person. You can say, “I’ve told you what I would like to see in our relationship. This is important to me. It’s your choice if you’ll choose to honor this request, but I hope you will consider it and my needs.”
Responding to boundary violations: If the other person violates a boundary you’ve communicated clearly to them, consider the best way to respond. You can remind them of your request through another conversation. You may choose not to respond, such as if they call you at an hour that you asked them not to call you. Take time to determine the best course of action.
Observing the other person’s response to your boundaries: Notice the extent to which the other person honors your boundaries. If the other person frequently violates your boundaries, it may be a sign of their lack of respect for you. On the other hand, when someone respects your boundaries, this can help to re-establish trust and respect in the relationship.
Choosing your next steps: As you begin to be more comfortable with understanding and communicating your boundaries, you may identify new boundary issues to address. You may notice other boundary violations in other areas of your life. Stay mindful of your boundaries and how other people respond to them over time, and repeat the steps above as needed.
Take a step back to reflect on your values and how you want to treat others. Most of us strive to treat others with kindness and respect and hope we receive the same treatment in return. However, when someone is being hurtful to you and treating you in a way that leaves you feeling undervalued, betrayed, or upset, it can be difficult to be kind to them. In fact, it may be tempting to be hurtful hurt them in return, but do your best to resist this temptation. If you do end up saying or doing something hurtful, acknowledge what you have done and apologize as soon as possible.
It can be really difficult to admit your own wrongdoings and show kindness to someone when they are being hurtful towards you. In fact, you may be wondering why you should be kind to someone who is being mean. Think of it this way; showing kindness to someone isn’t just for them – it’s for you too. Being kind to the other person during relationship challenges and conflicts is something to be proud of. When you stick to your values and own up to your mistakes, you can know that you did your part to try and repair the relationship.
To remind yourself of your values of kindness and respect, try the following affirmation: “No matter what the other person does to me, I choose to act with kindness and integrity.”
Often times, when facing relationship chaos and life challenges, we can feel as if we do not have any control. This may include the other person in the relationship’s actions and choices, as well as external factors that we simply cannot control.
Although we may not have control over these things, we do have the ability to manage our responses to the chaos and challenges we are facing. A great place to start is to look at what you need to take care of yourself amidst the difficulties you are experiencing. When considering your needs and looking for ways to respond to the situation that promote growth and progress, it is important to evaluate your physical and emotional safety. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, in any way, take the measures necessary to ensure your safety. If you are facing abuse or find yourself in crisis, reach out for help. The following resources are available to help you during these situations: Guilford County Family Justice Center: (336) 641-SAFE (7233) and Family Service of the Piedmont Crisis Line (Greensboro: 336-273-7273; High Point: 336-889-7273).
The questions below can help you process your emotions and determine your needs during relationship challenges:
What am I feeling right now? What incidents or experiences led to these feelings?
What are my greatest fears about what could happen in this situation?
What expectations have I been holding that weren’t met in this relationship? Did the other person know I had this expectation?
What do I need and/or want from the other person that I haven’t been getting? How can I ask for this in a way that the other person will be most likely to listen to my concerns?
How well am I coping with the stress I’m feeling? What could I do to better manage my stress (e.g., write in a journal, exercise, practice relaxation techniques, or talk with a trusted friend)?
What can I do to feel at peace (this week, today, the next hour, the next five minutes)?
An affirming question to ask yourself during relationship chaos and life’s challenging times is, “What can I do to take care of myself in this situation?”
