HRI Blog

By Eleanor Beeslaar

Talking to children about boundaries is an essential part of establishing safety and helping them develop the skills necessary to set and maintain healthy boundaries throughout their lives. It is important to start these conversations as early as possible and keep an open line of communication over time. Teaching kids about boundaries is also a cruicial part in preventing child abuse. In honor of Child Abuse Awareness Month, we will be sharing information and tips about talking to children about boundaries, including how to talk about the challenging topics of consent and abuse.

Teach your kids that their body belongs to them. A key element in teaching children about healthy boundaries and consent is empowering them to have autonomy over their bodies. Teach them that they have power and control over who they share physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, tickling, and high fives, with. It is critical to teach kids that if they are uncomfortable, they have the right to say “no,” and it is the other person’s responsibility to listen and stop immediately.

Talk about body safety and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch/behavior. This involves talking to kids about their bodies, including “private” areas. Be sure to use the correct anatomical terms when having these conversations, especially when discussing genitalia, as this keeps kids from getting confused and ensures that adults will understand if they reach out for help regarding abuse. For younger children, you can use the bathing suit rule to help talk about appropriate vs. inappropriate touch. You can explain that it is only okay for parents, teachers, babysitters, or doctors to touch you in these areas when they are helping you go to the bathroom, take a bath, or during a check-up. It is important to be clear that the touch should be quick and only for those reasons. Be sure to tell your children that if they ever feel uncomfortable in these situations, it is important to tell a trusted adult, and that if anyone else touches them in these areas, they should tell an adult right away. A key part of talking about appropriate vs. inappropriate touch is telling kids that any type of touch that makes them feel uncomfortable is not okay. The body safety conversation also involves talking about inappropriate behaviors, such as adults asking kids to keep secrets, making inappropriate comments, taking or showing sexual pictures, etc. Use examples and be clear and concrete when having this conversation.

Talk about consent. It is important to start the conversation about consent at an early age. Talking to children about consent can empower them to feel in control of their bodies and can help prevent child abuse and sexual assault. A great way to talk about consent with kids is to explain that they have the right to decide what they are/aren’t okay with regarding personal space and physical touch. If they are uncomfortable with how close someone is to them or with physical touch, such as hugging or tickling, they have the right to communicate those limits to others. Another key element in teaching children about consent is letting them know that they have the right to say “no” when they are uncomfortable with something. It is also important to teach children how to ask for consent. Using concrete examples can help make this concept easier to understand. For example, if they want to give someone a hug or a high five, they should ask first instead of assuming that the other person will be okay with it.

Identify trusted adults. A great way to take a preventative approach to child abuse and ensure your child’s safety, is to work with them to identify trusted adults other than you, with whom they can share fears and concerns related to unwanted physical or sexual touch.

The conversation about consent and boundaries is ongoing and changes as your child gets older. We encourage you to keep an open line of communication about these topics as your child grows. We hope today’s blog has helped you better understand how to talk to your child about boundaries, consent, and safety!

By Eleanor Beeslaar

Setting boundaries with your children is a critical part of creating healthy relationships within your family. Not only do healthy boundaries in parent-child relationships strengthen those relationships, but they also teach children how to set boundaries in other relationships, instilling lifelong skills for children to have happy, healthy, and safe relationships. Boundaries also help establish security and stability in children’s lives and allow for positive growth and development.

What do healthy boundaries in parent-child relationships look like?

Healthy boundaries in parent-child relationships can look like rules and routines. Examples of these boundaries include: bed time, limits around screen time, and rules about homework or chores. The rules and routines parents establish help children feel a sense of security and stability and teach them important life skills. Healthy boundaries between parents and children also allow kids a degree of freedom and autonomy to explore and develop a sense of identity. Giving children freedom and autonomy can be something as simple as letting them choose what sports they want to play, what hobbies they want to engage in, or what clothes they want to wear. You can work together with your kids to find a balance between the rules and routines that are non-negotiable and the areas where your children have more autonomy.

Just like other relationships, boundaries in parent-child relationships change over time, especially as your kids grow older and search for more autonomy and freedom. As your children get older, it is important to give them the space to discover their identities and interests, learn how to develop relationships with people outside of the family, and to make mistakes. However, this is much easier said than done. Letting go can induce a lot of anxiety for parents, especially because you want what is best for your kids. Part of establishing healthy boundaries and giving your children more freedom involves learning how to let go, how to trust your children, and how to manage the anxiety and fear that comes with this transition. What might this increased freedom and autonomy look like? It can look like adapting and changing rules to better fit your child’s developmental stage. This may involve giving them more internet or social media privileges, while still monitoring their activity to make sure they are being safe online. It could also look like letting your child go to the movies with their friends without you being there. It is important to keep in mind is that this process will look different for everyone and may take some time to figure out. We encourage you to work with your kids to determine what will work best for your family’s unique situation.

Another key element in establishing healthy boundaries with your kids is setting aside time for yourself. Creating time for self-care allows you to take care of your own needs, which will help you be better prepared to take care of your kids. Boundaries related to self-care can be as simple as saying that once a week, you will do something that is just for you. This may look like reading a book after the kids go to sleep, going out with friends for lunch, or taking time to go for a run. Regardless of what self-care looks like for you, making time for it is a crucial part of setting healthy boundaries for yourself as a parent.

We hope today’s blog will help you set healthy boundaries with your children, especially as you navigate different transitions that come hand-in-hand with your kids getting older!

By Eleanor Beeslaar

In today’s blog we will be talking about healthy boundaries in sexual relationships in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Healthy boundaries are a critical part of healthy and safe sexual relationships, especially because sexual assault often occurs within intimate relationships or by an acquaintance. In fact, according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (2018), 51.1% of female rape victims report being raped by an intimate partner and 40.8% by an acquaintance, and 52.4% of male victims report being raped by an intimate partner.

What do healthy boundaries in sexual relationships look like?

First and foremost, healthy boundaries in sexual relationships always involve clear consent. Sexual activity without consent is sexual assault or rape. It is imperative to ask for and receive consent before engaging in any type of sexual activity. Before we move on, let’s define what consent is. Consent is freely given, meaning you are not being pressured or manipulated, and you are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Consent is informed, which means you can only consent to what you know. For example, if you and your sexual partner agree on using a condom and they do not use one without your knowledge, there is not full consent. Consent is specific. This means that just because you consent to one thing, does not mean you consent to everything. Consent is enthusiastic! You should only do things that you want to do. Finally, consent is reversible. You can change your mind about sexual activity at any time, and you can say no to things you have consented to in the past.

Now that we have a better understanding of what consent is, let’s talk about how to practice consent in sexual relationships. When engaging in sexual activity, it is important to always ask for consent and receive a clear and enthusiastic “yes” from your sexual partner. Another important part of consent is to check-in and communicate every step of the way, even after you get consent initially. You can do this by asking questions like: “Is this okay? Do you want to keep going? Are you comfortable with ______?” By asking these questions and checking in with your partner, you are creating a safe and comfortable space, which can lead to a happier, healthier, and safer sexual relationship.

A great way to create a foundation of trust and safety in any sexual relationship is to talk about what you and your sexual partner like and dislike, what you want, and what your limits are, before engaging in sexual activity. By having this conversation ahead of time, you can set boundaries and ensure that both you and your partner will feel safe, respected, and comfortable with one another. This conversation should also be ongoing, as boundaries can change over time. We encourage you to keep the line of communication open and check-in with yourself and your sexual partner about what you both want and what your limits are related to sexual activity.

We hope this information has been helpful and encourage you to have open and honest conversations about your boundaries in your sexual relationships!

References:

National Sexual Violence Resource Center (2018). Get Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics

By Eleanor Beeslaar

An imperative part of having healthy boundaries in your relationships is recognizing when your boundaries have been crossed and knowing how to deal with these violations in a healthy and constructive way. Unfortunately, we will all have moments where people we know and even care about deeply will cross our boundaries in some capacity, and when this happens, it is important for us to stand our ground and protect our boundaries. When we hold others accountable and refuse to let boundary violations slide, we set the precedent that we deserve to have our wants, needs, and limits respected.

How exactly do you address boundary violations when they occur? When confronting someone about something they did or said to cross your boundaries, it is important to do so when you are both calm and able to communicate clearly. If you feel calm and confident in your ability to communicate your feelings clearly and directly right when the boundary violation occurs, it may be helpful to address it right away. However, if you don’t feel ready to talk about it in the moment, know that you have the right to take some time to think or even write down what you want to say before addressing it with the other person. A great skill to keep in mind when addressing boundary violations is to use “I statements.” This can help you practice constructive communication as you talk to the other person in the relationship about why the boundary was crossed, how it affected you, and how you can work together to make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future.

Another key factor in maintaining healthy boundaries is to respect your limits and refrain from violating your own boundaries. What exactly do we mean by this? Respecting your limits means saying “no” when you are asked to do something that you do not have the energy for or do want to do. For example, when your friends ask you to go out to dinner with them and you say you can’t because you’re feeling exhausted after an especially challenging week, you are respecting your own limits and upholding your boundaries.

We hope this information will help you maintain and uphold your boundaries when they are violated! Stay tuned for more information about healthy boundaries in sexual relationships in tomorrow’s blog!

By Eleanor Beeslaar

Now that we’ve talked about what healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries look like, we can focus on how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Healthy boundaries are essential for safe, happy, and healthy relationships, as they allow you and the other person to feel respected, cared for, and understood. Healthy boundaries also take work to develop and maintain and can change over time. In today’s blog, we will be providing tips to help you set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

Know your wants, needs, fears, and limits. The first step in setting healthy boundaries is understanding what you want and need from a relationship, as well as what your fears and limits are within that relationship. This may involve thinking back to past relationships, and looking internally to understand what felt comfortable and safe or what felt scary and unsettling. Once you have a better understanding of what you need to feel safe, accepted, and happy in a relationship, it is easier to communicate these wants and needs to others.

When communicating your boundaries, be clear, specific, and direct. The next step in setting healthy boundaries in your relationships is to communicate them to the other person. When talking to someone about your boundaries, it is important to be clear and direct about your needs, wants, fears, and limits. This leaves little room for miscommunication or misinterpretation from the other person. It is also helpful to be specific when communicating your boundaries to others. For example, a teen can set a boundary with a parent about privacy and autonomy by asking them to refrain from reading their journal. Here is what that may sound like: “Please do not read my journal. I feel disrespected when my privacy is violated.”

Follow through with your boundaries. Another important step healthy boundary setting involves following through with your boundaries. Be sure to enforce your boundaries with others, especially when they are being violated. You have the right to say “no” and speak out when someone else crosses or disrespects a boundary. Though it may feel scary at first, this is a crucial part of maintaining healthy boundaries over time. A great way to check-in with others about your boundaries is to have boundary conversations when things are going well.

Boundaries can change over time. As we grow and change, our boundaries may grow and change with us, and that is completely normal. With time and experience, you may be comfortable with something that, at first, you were not okay with. It is important to keep checking in with yourself and recognizing your wants, needs, fears, and limits as they change over time. It is also essential to communicate changes in your boundaries with the people you have relationships with. Though we have mostly talked about boundaries growing and expanding over time, we also want to recognize that the opposite is also true. Just because you were comfortable with something in the beginning of the relationship does not mean that you can’t change your mind about it later on. This is especially critical when thinking about sexual boundaries and consent. You have the right to change your mind about what you are comfortable with in a sexual relationship and you can say “no” at any point where you feel uncomfortable.

We hope that this information has been helpful and that you will keep these tips in mind as you are working on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in your different relationships!

By Eleanor Beeslaar

What exactly do healthy boundaries look like?

Healthy boundaries are a key element in your physical, mental, and emotional health. They look different for each person and relationship, and they may change over time. Healthy boundaries are also bidirectional; they involve communicating your wants and needs in a relationship, while also respecting the wants and needs of the other person in the relationship.

Boundaries can be both physical and emotional. Physical boundaries involve what you are comfortable with regarding personal space, touch, privacy, and sexual contact. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, encompass the line between your feelings and the feelings of others. This looks like taking responsibility for your own feelings and recognizing that you cannot control what others feel. It also involves being aware of what you do/do not feel comfortable sharing with others and honoring those limits.

Here are just a few examples of what healthy boundaries might look like:

• Valuing your personal boundaries and not compromising them for someone else.
• Saying “no” and accepting when others say “no.”
• Knowing who you are and what you want, and communicating that to others.
• Engaging in appropriate sharing.
• Not letting others define you or your sense of self-worth.
• Knowing that your needs and feelings are just as important as the needs and feelings of others.
• Knowing that you have the right to your emotions and feelings.
• Respecting others’ values, beliefs, and opinions, while knowing that you do not have to compromise your own values, beliefs, and opinions.

Regardless of what type of boundaries you are talking about, it’s important to keep in mind that healthy boundaries are all about you and the other person in the relationship’s wants, needs, and limits being honored and respected. It’s also important to remember that healthy boundaries take effort and intentionality to implement and maintain. Healthy boundaries can also help prevent relationship abuse by helping individuals understand the difference between what is acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior in different types of relationships.

What do unhealthy boundaries look like?

Now that we have a better understanding of what healthy boundaries look like, let’s talk about unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries involve a disregard for your own and others’ values, wants, needs, and limits. They can also lead to potentially abusive dating/romantic relationships and increase the chances of other types of abusive relationships as well.

Here are some examples of what unhealthy boundaries may look like:

• Disrespecting the values, beliefs, and opinions of others when you do not agree with them.
• Not saying “no” or not accepting when others say “no.”
• Feeling like you are responsible for other people’s feelings and/or happiness.
• Feeling like you are responsible for “fixing” or “saving” others.
• Touching people without their permission.
• Engaging in sexual activity without clear consent from the other person.

We hope that today’s blog has helped you gain a better understanding of what healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries look like. We encourage you to keep this information in mind as you set boundaries in your relationships!

We will also be sharing more about how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships in tomorrow’s blog, so be sure to stay tuned!