Our mission at HRI is to promote happy, healthy, and safe relationships of all kinds in Guilford County. As we’ve described before, these terms “happy, healthy, and safe” have a special meaning to us at HRI, in that they represent a spectrum of relationship quality. We view safety as the core foundation for healthy and happy relationships — Without safety in relationships, it is nearly impossible for them to be happy or healthy.
We define safe relationships as those that are free from all forms of abuse, neglect, and any other threats to one or more person’s physical or emotional safety, well-being, and development. As this definition suggests, violence and abuse are damaging to the safety of relationships and the people in those relationships. Children, in particular, are affected when they experience violence and abuse in their homes, and these experiences can impact them throughout the rest of their lives.
This October, in recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, HRI is partnering with the Guilford County Family Justice Center to raise awareness about the impact of domestic violence on children. We’ll explore the unique ways that traumatic events like parental domestic violence can impact children. More importantly, we’ll be highlighting many of the resources available in our community to support children who have been impacted by violence in their homes, especially the partners working within the Family Justice Center.
Unfortunately, violence and abuse are realities for far too many children and families in our community. On the other hand, there are many excellent resources available in our community to provide support and break the cycle of abuse that can occur across generations within families. Beyond Guilford County, families in our community can take advantage of resources from national organizations — such as Sesame Street in Communities, who we’ll highlight later this month — for additional support and information that can benefit children who have experienced trauma. Stay tuned all month as we explore ways to help foster a community in which all children can experience safe relationships and homes.
When a loved one is facing an addiction, the emotional whirlwind can be intense. It’s normal for people in this situation to move rapidly between different emotions in response to changing circumstances. There may be times of hopelessness, when it feels like the loved one will never change. At other times, hope shines through, such as if the loved one makes a promise to change or seems to be making efforts to stop abusing substances.
Holding onto hope when a loved one is struggling with addiction is a challenging task, especially because it’s not possible to know what the future holds. Many questions arise:
Will they be okay?
Will they ever change?
Can we maintain a close relationship, despite the stress?
Am I helping them, or hurting them?
What am I supposed to do when they ____________________________?
Who should I tell about this?
How do I keep them safe?
How do I keep myself and others safe?
For many of these questions, answers are hard to come by. You may find an answer one day, and then something new happens and the answer no longer applies by the next day. The experience of “walking on eggshells,” or feeling like you’re under constant stress while trying to figure out the next step, is common when someone you love is abusing substances.
As we’ve discussed in a previous HRI blog series, facing relationship chaos is very difficult, but there are things that you can do to care for yourself, others, and your relationship even in the midst of great uncertainty and chaos. These include remembering that you can’t change the other person, focusing on yourself and what you can control, committing to your own sense of integrity, setting appropriate boundaries, maintaining strong relationship skills and a positive attitude, reaching out for support, and seeking professional help. You may not be able to change the difficult things happening around you, but you can change how you respond to them.
In the context of a loved one facing an addiction, hope can take many forms. There’s hope that the loved one will change. Hope that things will get better. Hope for a better relationship. And hope for a brighter future. Hope is defined as “desiring with expectation” or “expecting with confidence.” However, when a loved one is facing an addiction, it can leave you unsure of what to expect and feeling far from confident.
So, how does someone hold on to hope in the face of an uncertain future? Throughout this series on how addiction impacts the family, it is our hope that you have gained information and learned about resources that offer you a sense of hopefulness. By better understanding how addictions can impact family members, you’re in a better position to choose responses that will help you move toward a more positive future. By knowing that help is available–for you and/or your loved one–you can understand that you don’t have to face addiction on your own.
If you or someone you care about is struggling with the challenges associated with a loved one abusing substances, be encouraged by knowing that you are not alone. Many other people have walked through a similar journey and have come out on the other side with a more positive life and stronger relationships. Although Recovery Month ends today, the need to offer support and resources to families impacted by addiction will continue until all families who are impacted by substance abuse are able to hold on to hope.
In honor of September being National Recovery Month, today we are spotlighting Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) for #FindHelpFriday!
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.
If you are seeking assistance for alcoholism, AA is here to help. All types of people attend AA meetings who share common experiences. AA offers several different types of meetings. “Open” meetings are open to anyone that would like to attend. “Closed” meetings are open to anyone with a desire to stop drinking. “Speaker” meetings are great for newcomers because all one has to do is listen. There are also “discussion” and “literature study” meetings among other varieties. There are also meetings that cater to various identities, such as gender or religion specific. All meetings are free and extremely welcoming. If you would like to find a meeting to suit your needs, please visit www.nc23.org/meetings.
As one AA member puts it, “Recovery is available from this seemingly hopeless state of mind. We don’t want your money. We don’t want your soul. We want to help you get well because it helps us stay well. Alcoholism is a disease and has been recognized as such by the American Medical Association for over 60 years. There is a solution and we’d love to share our experience. We welcome you to join us for mediocre coffee, stale cookies, and a new life.
“We laugh a lot and cry some. We’ve also been where you are right now. We know the misery of sincerely desiring not to drink…yet not being able to stop on our own. There’s a seat waiting for you in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. If your heart’s still beating, you’ve got a chance. Please join us.”
The Greensboro Alcoholics Anonymous Intergroup can be reached at 336-854-4278.
Deciding to seek help is one of the most important steps in starting the road to recovery from struggles with alcohol or other drug use. However, the next steps can seem pretty overwhelming. There are lots of different approaches and types of care out there, finding and choosing the one that is right for you might not be so easy at the beginning.
There are many paths to recovery. Since each person is different, there is no single treatment that is right for everyone. Treatment is best when it is individualized to each person’s needs, preferences, and strengths. The types of treatment range from 12 step or other support groups, such as Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), attending outpatient groups at a clinic, getting medications from a clinic or doctor’s office, seeing a counselor on an individual basis, staying at a residential treatment facility, getting medical treatment at a hospital to manage withdrawal symptoms, or some combination of these treatments.
The first place to start in making these decisions is to speak with a professional who is credentialed and experienced in treating substance related problems. If you are insured, you can contact your health insurance provider to locate a provider, or if uninsured, you can contact your local management entity-managed care organization (LME-MCO) to access state funded services. A substance professional can complete an assessment to understand the extent of the problems associated with substance misuse, identifying strengths and supports for recovery, and use the assessment results to help you to develop a plan for treatment.
Addressing withdrawal symptoms, if they are present, is an appropriate first step in deciding about treatment. The use of certain substances such as alcohol, depressants, barbiturates, and opiates over an extended period of time often results in a physical dependence on the substance. Quitting substance use after a physical dependence has developed may result in experiencing physical symptoms that are related to the type of substance that was used. Working with a professional is very important to determine the risks for and ways to safely manage withdrawal symptoms. These symptoms may be managed through medications that can be given on an outpatient basis. If there is a need for more formal medical treatment, they may be managed through 24-hour medical care and medical supervision of withdrawal symptoms.
When people think of treatment, often the picture that they have is “rehab” or residential based treatment where a person lives at a facility for a period of time. While this may be what is needed for some who are dealing with substance related problems, it is not the only type of treatment available. The goal of substance treatment is to help persons to quit using substances. It involves obtaining the skills, knowledge and increased motivation to quit using substances and to maintain these changes. For some, these goals can be reached by attending individual or group treatment at a clinic or office on an outpatient basis. Determining whether residential or outpatient treatment is based on the assessment with the substance professional who helps to assess a person’s needs and the extent of the problems caused by substance use. If a decision is made for outpatient treatment and that treatment doesn’t work, then treatment can be increased to a higher level of care such as residential treatment. These facilities foster the safe and supportive environment needed to end substance use.
Twelve step support groups can play a part in supporting a person’s recovery. These are groups that are based on supporting each other to quit using substances and to use the steps to move through the recovery process. Persons who are able to attend twelve step meetings and not use substances may not need formal treatment, or people who are involved in outpatient or residential treatment can use the twelve step support groups as another part of their treatment plan.
Persons that have a problem with substance use may also have a mental health problem like depression, anxiety, bipolar, or trauma at the same time. In fact, often individuals struggling with substance use have been using substances to help them manage difficult underlying conditions such as a depression or trauma. Getting an understanding of the relationship between substance and other mental health concerns is helpful in planning treatment process. Both mental health and substance problems can be treated at the same time either by medications, counseling, or a combination of the two, and treating them together has been found to be most effective in decreasing symptoms of both.
There are medications that have been proven to be safe and effect for treating substance use and they are used alongside group and or individual behavioral therapy. Medications such as Buprenorphine or Methadone are part of a “best practice” approach to treatment for people who have problems with opioid misuse. There are also medications that can help people who have experienced problems with alcohol use.
One factor to consider in making any treatment decisions is the effectiveness of the treatment. Deciding on the right treatment with the help of a substance professional should involve an understanding whether the treatment is an “evidence based” treatment, meaning that its effectiveness has been proven by clinical studies.
These are some of the things that should be considered as part of deciding on treatment. What is most important is to seek help from a credentialed professional experienced with treating substance problems, completing an assessment, and developing a plan together. Again treatment can be increased or services added as needs arise through the treatment process. If there are difficulties along the way, remember that they can be a normal part of the recovery process, and maintain your commitment to getting help and working on your treatment plan. Treatment is a critical part to recovering from problems due to substance use and improving a person’s health and wellness so that they can reach their full potential.
Michael Wildman M. Div, CCJP, LCAS, CCS-I has over 15 years experience in working with persons making changes around alcohol and drug use and who are involved in the criminal justice system. His current position is Clinical Coordinator at Insight Human Services. He is a member of the Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers (MINT).
Addiction impacts everyone, but no one more than the family and loved ones of someone who has addiction. FEAR is the strongest emotion present in the lives of family and loved ones, and it drives nearly everything the family does: fear that they are going to lose their child; fear that something is going to happen and they can’t rescue their child; fear that they are making the wrong choices in trying to help their child; fear that they are enabling the addiction; fear that they did something wrong as a parent; fear that their child will die.
Recovery is a long and arduous journey AND a wonderful and freeing journey. Recovery is all of these things for the family too. When an adult child comes to college or returns to college after finding recovery, it is often with mixed emotions that a parent celebrates the furthering of their education. Same as while the addiction is active, FEAR is the most prevalent emotion.
With Collegiate Recovery Communities (CRCs) becoming more widespread across the nation, parents may rest easier knowing their student will not have to compromise their education for their recovery or their recovery for their education. CRCs provide peer and academic support, recovery coaching, advocacy, and fun, sober activities that their student can enjoy. Like any college student, students in recovery want to meet people and have fun with friends. Sober tailgates, white water rafting (where no one falls out and drowns because everyone is sober!), and recovery celebrations are some of the many ways CRCs develop community, social support, celebrate recovery and have FUN! Most CRCs have a dedicated space on campus where students in recovery gather to study, garner support, socialize or just hang out. A dedicated space conveys to the student in recovery that they matter, that their recovery, safety and comfort are priorities to the university.
The University of North Carolina at Greensboro’s CRC is called Spartan Recovery Program (SRP): It’s E.P.I.C.: Empowerment, Purpose, Inclusion and Community. The E.P.I.C. lounge is the students’ home away from home, as most members live off campus. Complete with coffee and granola bars, students can reduce stress by spending time in the massage chair, enjoy video gaming on the big screen with friends, or pull the oversized bean bag chairs together to catch a nap between classes. The E.P.I.C. lounge is a safe space in which the students can be authentically themselves, including their past, present and future–recovery and all.
Many students take advantage of gender specific small groups, where they come together to share joys, sorrows, stress and concern with peers in recovery who also juggle recovery, school, work, and life. Recovery Coaching with the SRP Coordinator often occurs when a member is going home for a holiday break or special event where their family members drink or siblings are still using. Students are coached to develop a plan and using recovery based tools when triggers arise.
More and more parents are seeking universities with CRCs when their adult child finds recovery and wants to return to or enroll in school. Parents at the UNCG orientation will sometimes speak openly about their incoming student having had issues with alcohol or drugs and want them to join SRP. SRP staff welcomes all inquiries, and enjoys bragging on the SRP students, especially their academic success, including an overall G.P.A. for fall 2016 of 3.68 and Spring 2017 of 3.52, with 10 students earning a 4.0!
No one in recovery need navigate the college experience alone or disengaged. CRCs make parents a little less fearful and a whole lot proud of their child and the capacity restored in recovery. Recovery: It’s E.P.I.C!
Terri Spears, MS, LCAS, is the Coordinator of UNCG’s Spartan Recovery Program. To learn more about the Spartan Recovery Program, please visit https://shs.uncg.edu/srp.
It wasn’t like I was buying them the alcohol! I don’t understand how what I was doing was enabling.
So often we think of enabling someone’s addiction or problem drinking as doing very obvious things for them: buying their alcohol/pills, driving them to the ABC store so they stay safe, or calling in sick to work for them so they don’t lose their job. However, enabling is much broader than that. Enabling is when we are trying to protect someone from the natural consequences of their actions. The problem with protecting people is that they get the impression that they don’t need to change their behavior because family or friends will take responsibility for whatever is needed.
We enable people when we do things for them that they can or should be doing for themselves or when we try to soften the consequences for someone so they don’t get upset or struggle. Some people call this “being a lawn mower.” In other words, it’s when we try to clear the path of life in front of our loved one so they don’t have to struggle with disappointments, challenges, pain, or difficulties. We do this because we are trying to “help.” We do this because we are scared that our alcoholic/addict will drink or use if we don’t because they will be stressed. We do this because we are uncomfortable watching them struggle with life.
Enabling behaviors take lots of different forms. When we justify someone’s drinking by telling ourselves or others that they’re just going through a tough time or that work is hard right now, we are enabling. When we minimize their using by comparing the type of drug (prescription pills, “just beer,” or “just pot”) to other harder types of drugs, we are enabling. When we control the lives of our loved ones by cancelling social engagements or pouring out their alcohol to “help” them stop, we are enabling. Also, when we take over all of the responsibilities of the household or the work place because “someone has to,” we are enabling.
The problem is that trying to protect someone doesn’t solve their problems, it makes them worse and perpetuates them. Until a person can see the consequences of their drinking or drugging, they cannot see why they should change. After all, if they still have their job, friends, a clean house, no legal problems, etc., why should they think they have a problem? People change when they see that what they have been doing isn’t working anymore. When we fall into enabling behaviors, we keep them from seeing that.
So what can we do to stop enabling? Be honest. With ourselves and with our loved ones about how we are feeling about their substance use. Allow natural consequences. As they see their family, friends or colleagues’ disappointment, they may begin to see that they need to change something. Enforce boundaries. We teach people how to treat us. If we are setting boundaries and then backing off of the consequences, we are teaching them that we don’t matter. And finally, work on ourselves. Getting support from family, friends, and support groups is crucial if we are going to become healthier and make changes. We deserve to be happy and healthy. Oftentimes as we change, our loved ones see that they need to change as well.
Heather M. Bland has a Masters of Education in Counseling from Wake Forest University. She is a Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist Associate and a Nationally Certified Counselor. Heather has been a counselor working with the substance abuse population for ten years. For the past two years she has been a family counselor at Fellowship Hall Alcohol and Drug Treatment Center. When not working with families, she enjoys spending time with her husband, sons, rescue dog, and geriatric cat.
Families operate as a system. When everything is balanced and functioning well, members are respected, confident, and secure. When things get out of balance, emotions can run askew. What may seem like a minor issue to one person, may be a major concern and problem for another family member.
In much the same way, a substance use problem of a family member affects more than the person addicted – it impacts the entire family. The family system will orient itself around the addiction as a way of attempting to establish equilibrium. Each person in the family must find a way to adapt and adjust to the disturbance. Typically, this adjustment shows up in established, unspoken rules that are required for equilibrium to be maintained. These rules are: don’t talk, don’t feel, and don’t trust (Black, 1981). Family members will refrain from talking about the problem because they are in denial, or ashamed, or choose to avoid the situation completely because it hurts too much or it’s easier to be numb. Trust becomes unattainable because too often, the family has been let down.
Because addiction is a disease of the whole family, family members of a chemically dependent person also need to enter in to a healing and recovery process. A first step toward this process is parallel to the first of the Twelve Steps of AA: admitting powerlessness over drugs and alcohol and unmanageability in life. From there, a family member must accept what are called “the Three C’s” of recovery: 1) I didn’t Cause it; 2) I can’t Cure it; and 3) I can’t Control it.
Loved ones of those in active addiction use a lot of energy blaming themselves in many ways. Many family members spend much energy and attention on striving to fix and control it. Family members will pay bills, flush pills, empty bottles, call in to work for the addict, bail the addict out of jail, make excuses, loan money, and so much more, in effort to control the use and somehow love the person out of addiction. Letting go of this responsibility and accepting the 3 C’s is necessary for a family member’s own recovery. Family members must recognize that taking care of self is not selfish or mean, but in fact, is a bigger act of love.
When we recognize the effect addiction has on the entire family system, we recognize the need for recovery of the entire family. Recovery is about breaking free from the rules in place with addiction and learning how to talk again, to feel again, and to trust again.
Reference:
Black, C. (1981). It will never happen to me. New York: Ballantine Books.
Drew Jamieson, PhD, LMFT, LCAS-A, is a family counselor at Fellowship Hall Drug and Alcohol Recovery Center in Greensboro. He is a marriage and family therapist and certified addiction specialist with over 12 years’ experience in working with families and addiction. He can be reached at drewj@fellowshiphall.com.
Did you know that September is National Recovery Month? The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) sponsors this month in order to increase awareness and understanding of mental and substance use disorders and celebrate the people who recover (www.recoverymonth.gov). In recognition of Recovery Month, we are spotlighting Fellowship Hall for this week’s #FindHelpFriday feature!
Fellowship Hall offers both inpatient and residential treatment in order to help individuals and their families who are suffering from addiction to drugs and/or alcohol. The services they provide include a personal treatment plan, individual and group counseling, as well as workshops and seminars for their Family Program that helps loved ones learn about the disease and how they can help.
Fellowship Hall representative Heather Bland states, “It is an honor to help individuals and families get their lives back on track. When we are able to help someone begin the recovery journey, healing begins and lives are changed. Their families become stronger and the community we live in.” Hear more from the Fellowship Hall team in the video below:
A huge thank you to Fellowship Hall for the work you are doing to afford your guests the best possible opportunity to find the answers they seek!
Often times we can see problems in our family member’s or friend’s lives before they can. It can feel as if we’re watching a freight train speeding toward them but they can’t hear us yelling to get off the tracks! Sometimes we offer suggestions or warn them of what we see happening, but nothing changes. It is hard to know what to do and how to continue on without being absorbed in their problem or obsessed with fixing it. Unfortunately, we can’t make another person stop drinking, drugging, or participating in any other problem behavior. However, there things we CAN do.
Be honest. It is easy to convince ourselves that the substance use problems we are seeing will resolve themselves in time. We may also start lying or covering up for our beloved alcoholic or addict to try to “help” them. If we stop our own denial and become honest about the situation, then we can begin to find help. Being honest with medical professionals, family members, and ourselves is an important step.
Set boundaries and stick to them. It is important to figure out the behaviors we are willing to live with and the one’s we aren’t. Then, it is crucial to communicate those with our loved one. These are not threats or ultimatums. This is not about begging, bargaining, or yelling. These are NOT attempts to change their behavior. Boundaries are about taking care of ourselves and refusing to live in situations where we feel hopeless, helpless, or afraid. With practice, we learn to detach from addictive behaviors and allow natural consequences.
Get a support system. We cannot do this alone. Alcoholism and addiction are isolating illnesses and we may feel embarrassed or ashamed sharing with others what we are living with. Friends or family may want to help, but not know how to. There are safe people and safe places to turn to. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are 12-step groups open to anyone who has a loved one whose drinking or drugging is problematic. They are confidential and anonymous. There are no fees or memberships and meeting times can be found on-line.
Take care of yourself. We are no help to others if we are stretched to our limit and have nothing left to give. It is not just alright for us to take time for ourselves, it is imperative. Focusing on exercise, healthy eating, good sleep patterns, hygiene, and our spirituality can help us get perspective on our loved one’s situation. Self-care can curb some of our obsessive thinking and worrying. Ultimately, the more we take care of ourselves, the more we can help our loved one when they are ready and asking for our help.
It can be terrifying to see someone we care about drinking excessively or using drugs. As we allow other people to experience the consequences of their addiction, they can begin to see the harm it is causing them and the people they love. It is then that the healing can begin.
Heather M. Bland has a Masters of Education in Counseling from Wake Forest University. She is a Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist Associate and a Nationally Certified Counselor. Heather has been a counselor working with the substance abuse population for ten years. For the past two years she has been a family counselor at Fellowship Hall Alcohol and Drug Treatment Center. When not working with families, she enjoys spending time with her husband, sons, rescue dog, and geriatric cat.
Every September, the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) sponsors Recovery Month to raise awareness about the recovery process. Addiction and substance abuse not only affect the individual, but also their friends and family members. From now through the rest of September, our focus at HRI will be on highlighting the ways that addiction impacts the family, as well as how family members can support their loved ones through the recovery process. We are pleased to partner with Fellowship Hall and other organizations that will be featured in this series.
Substance use and abuse can be a major barrier to healthy relationships. When a loved one is facing an addiction, relationships can suffer. Watching someone you care about abuse substances is extremely difficult on many levels. Many people in this situation want to help and provide support, but they don’t know what to do. They may struggle with understanding whether the person wants to change, and they can feel devalued–as if the substances are more important than they are. The use and abuse of substances can lead to major stress and conflict in relationships and families.
On the other hand, family members can offer valuable support through the recovery process from a substance use disorder. In fact, the power of family and community connections is so critical to recovery that SAMHSA has made the theme of the 2017 Recovery Month to be “Join the Voices for Recovery: Strengthen Families and Communities.” Take 30 seconds to learn more about the importance of family and community connections for recovery in the SAMHSA video below:
Please join us throughout the rest of September as we put our own local spin on the Strengthening Families and Communities Recovery Month theme. Through our blog posts, you’ll have a chance to learn from local experts and substance abuse treatment providers about how family members can best support their loved ones through the process of recovering from a substance use disorder. In addition, we’re excited to partner with Fellowship Hall for an upcoming event on Wednesday, September 27th, at 6:30 at the Greensboro Public Library’s Central Branch, where you’ll have the opportunity to learn from a panel of speakers on this topic. We hope to see you there!
Substance abuse and addiction are extremely difficult experiences for families to face. However, help is available right here in Guilford County for individuals and families to begin and thrive in the recovery process. Stay connected with HRI and Fellowship Hall in the coming days to learn more about this important issue that affects so many families in our community.
Drew Jamieson, PhD, LMFT, LCAS-A, is a family counselor at Fellowship Hall Drug and Alcohol Recovery Center in Greensboro. He is a marriage and family therapist and certified addiction specialist with over 12 years’ experience in working with families and addiction. He can be reached at 
