A key aspect in using technology to promote connection in your relationship is to set ground rules and respect one another’s boundaries. Have a discussion with your partner about how and when technology should be used within your relationship. Here are some questions to help guide you through this process:
Are there certain moments where it’s okay to be on your phone and others where you expect each other’s full attention?
Are there shared activities using technology you and your partner will engage in?
Will you set aside moments that are technology free? If so, when and what will that look like?
Once you set ground rules and boundaries surrounding technology in your relationship, be sure to check-in with one another periodically to see if things need reevaluating. Keep in mind that it’s normal for your boundaries to change over time!
To learn more about setting boundaries in your relationship, check out our blog post titled “Set Appropriate Boundaries.”
In today’s blog, we will be exploring the phenomenon of phubbing and examining how it can affect your relationship with your partner.
What is phubbing?
Phubbing is a combination of the words “phone” and “snubbing,” meaning to be snubbed by someone who is using their phone while spending time with you (Roberts & David, 2016). Phubbing may look like one partner disengaging in shared time with the other partner to use their cell phone (Roberts & David, 2016). Many of us were probably familiar with the experience of “phubbing” without necessarily knowing the technical term for it. We’ve all likely experienced being ignored or neglected in favor of a cell phone at some point in our relationships, and many of us may also be able to think back to a time where we were the perpetrators of phubbing in our relationships. It can be easy to phubb or be phubbed, often times without even knowing it, due to the increasingly intricate role technology, and smartphones specifically, play in our lives. We have access to so much information and entertainment at our fingertips, and we are able to instantly connect with the larger world. It’s hard not to look to our phones for instant gratification and fulfillment, especially during challenging moments, where it can feel like an escape from life’s stressors. However, it’s important to recognize that when we choose to engage with our phones instead of our partners, we are losing out on opportunities for connection and harming our relationships.
How can phubbing affect my relationship with my partner?
Phubbing can negatively affect couple relationships by impeding connection and intimacy and leading to feelings of resentment and anger. When we choose to connect with technology instead of spending quality time with our partners, it can leave them feeling neglected, lonely, betrayed, and isolated. Phubbing can also result in increased levels of conflict within the relationship, as partners may begin to feel resentment and anger toward one another due to the harmful role of technology in their relationship.
How can I avoid phubbing in my intimate/romantic relationships?
None of us are perfect, and it’s inevitable for us to experience phubbing within our relationships – whether we are the one doing the phubbing or the one being phubbed. However, we can be proactive about trying to decrease the frequency of phubbing within our relationships. There are two key components in helping us reduce the occurrence of phubbing:
We must increase our awareness of what phubbing is and how/when it shows up in our relationships. If we are more aware of the role technology plays in our relationships, we can be more proactive and intentional about making choices that avoid phubbing. This may look like recognizing when you are using your phone while in the presence of your partner and then making an intentional choice to put it away. For example, if you’re going out to dinner with your partner and notice that you (and/or your partner) are constantly checking your phone, try turning your phone off/placing it on silent and putting it away.
Focus on using technology to connect with your partner. Research shows that when partners use technology in one another’s presence with the intention of creating a shared experience, they can build intimacy and strengthen their relationship rather than experiencing phubbing (Campbell & Murray, 2015).
Though phubbing explicitly talks about the impact of cell phones on connection and intimacy in couple relationships, this concept can be applied to other forms of technology, as well. The most important thing to keep in mind is that, regardless of what type of technology you are using, you must be intentional about using it in a way that promotes connection and builds your relationship, instead of breaking it down. Stay tuned throughout the rest of this week as we share more tips to help you use technology to build connections with your romantic partner!
References
Campbell, E. C., & Murray, C. E. (2015). Measuring the Impact of Technology on Couple Relationships: The Development of the Technology and Intimate Relationship Assessment. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 14, 254-256. DOI: 10.1080/15332691.2014.953657
Roberts, J. A. & David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134-141. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.07.058
Technology is constantly advancing and is becoming more and more central to our lives. We rely on technology for communication, entertainment, work, household tasks, and so much more. Technology has changed the way we communicate and relate to one another, especially with our ability to connect at any time and from almost anywhere through the internet. With the ever-changing advancements and technology’s increasingly integral role in our lives, it is inevitably impacting our romantic relationships, and it can be challenging for couples to navigate how to use technology in a way that promotes connection and intimacy.
Technology can present barriers to connection and intimacy when proper boundaries are not in place. When partners choose to use technology instead of spending quality time with one another, it can decrease moments of connection, and instead lead to feelings of loneliness or resentment (Campbell & Murray, 2015). This is known as the phenomenon of “ partner phubbing,” (Roberts & David, 2016) which we will talk about more in tomorrow’s blog!
It’s often easy to talk about the negative effects of technology on couple relationships. However, we believe that while technology can present obstacles for connection and intimacy within couple relationships, if used intentionally, partner’s can actually build stronger relationships through the way they engage with technology! Stay tuned throughout the rest of this week as we expand further on technology’s role in building connection in couple relationships. We’ll be sharing some tips to help you and your partner use technology to build a healthier, more joy-filled relationship!
References
Campbell, E. C., & Murray, C. E. (2015). Measuring the Impact of Technology on Couple Relationships: The Development of the Technology and Intimate Relationship Assessment. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 14, 254-256. DOI: 10.1080/15332691.2014.953657
Roberts, J. A. & David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134-141. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.07.058
Join HRI, the Guilford County Family Justice Center, the UNCG Campus Violence Response Center, YWCA High Point, and the UNCG Center for Student Well-being for this event as part of our Abuse Is Never Okay – Guilford County kickoff in October!
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