HRI Blog – Page 119 – Healthy Relationships Initiative

Why Do We Need a Healthy Relationships Initiative?

By Christine Murray, Healthy Relationships Initiative Director

In many ways, Guilford County is a wonderful place to live. We’ve seen many exciting changes and developments in our community in recent years that have enriched the quality of life in our community. The diversity of our community weaves a beautiful fabric of people from all walks of life working and living in our community. We are fortunate in this community to have many new and exciting resources and initiatives underway, which build on the foundation that many long-standing organizations have built. Personally, I’ve called Guilford County home for over 11 years now, and I’m especially thankful for the opportunities this community offers for my nurturing my own family and friendships.

As a counseling professor who specializes in couple and family counseling, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to become involved in the Guilford County Healthy Relationships Initiative. Promoting healthy relationships and preventing relationship and family distress have long been a passion of mine since I decided I wanted to be a family counselor many years ago. I knew how important this initiative would be for people in the community–not just those who are facing problems in their relationships, but also those who are interested in being intentional about building strong, healthy relationships.

I didn’t need any convincing about the need for the Healthy Relationships Initiative, but of course I’m an easy sell, given my professional background. As our planning process for the Healthy Relationships Initiative moved forward, we knew we needed to build a strong, data-based case for the need for an upstream, preventive approach to strengthening relationships and families in our community. So, this past year, as part of our planning process, we worked hard to gain a deeper understanding of the current state of relationships and families in our community. In the coming months, we’ll share more details about what we learned, but for now, I’ll share a few key pieces of information that we learned that show just how important a relationship-building initiative is for Guilford County today.

The data sources we used included 40 existing reports and other sources of existing data about our community, such as agency-provided data; a geographic analysis of US Census data for Guilford County; a community needs assessment survey; and interviews and focus groups with community leaders. Our main questions were to learn how safe, healthy, and happy relationships and families are in Guilford County, in line with our Mission Statement for the Healthy Relationships Initiative: “To infuse the local community with information, resources, and services to promote happy, healthy, and safe relationships and prevent the negative consequences of relationship distress.” Let’s take a look at a few key indicators of the safety, health, and happiness of relationships in our community…

Starting with safety, did you know that Guilford County led the state of North Carolina in 2013 and 2014 in the number of domestic violence homicides 1? This was a tragic distinction for our community, and it did lead to some positive actions through the creation of the Guilford County Family Justice Center, which opened in June 2015 and is a wonderful resource for people affected by domestic violence, sexual assault, elder abuse, and child maltreatment in our community. Rates of all forms of abuse in our community remain high. In fact, in its first year of operation, the Family Justice Center served nearly 5,000 primary and secondary victims of abuse. It is clear that there are many people in our community who still are not able to achieve even a basic level of safety in their relationships, although certainly with the opening of the Family Justice Center and increased collaboration and awareness in the community, there is greater safety than there was even just a few years ago.

Healthy and happy relationships are a bit more difficult to define and measure. However, we know that many people in our community are able to experience healthy and happy relationships. For example, we heard the following quotes from participants in our community needs assessment survey when they were asked to describe their favorite things about their relationships and families:

“We support each other in our challenges and successes.”
“We have a lot of the same interests and get along well together. He makes me laugh.”
“We work together to provide a safe, secure and supportive home for our family”
“We are not afraid to have open and sincere conversations to work through our problems, and we can trust each other.”
“Trust. We are very open with each other, and we always talk when we have problems or concerns.”
“My daughter and how amazing she is to spend time with on a daily basis. Seeing her grow up into a wonderful person.”
“Watching our children thrive and the closeness of our relationship”
“Being able to help my children develop a positive thought process and decision making skills. Just listening to them talk allows me to see them grow”

Happy, healthy relationships are definitely possible in Guilford County. However, through our planning and research process, we also have heard from many sources that there are significant barriers in our community that can prevent people from achieving healthy relationships. Some of those we’ve identified through our research and planning process include trauma, substance abuse, untreated mental health symptoms, lack of positive relationship role models, communication problems, feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities, having a lack of time for loved ones, isolation, economic challenges, the proliferation of technology, and societal norms that encourage negative relationship behaviors.

The challenges that residents of Guilford County face that can create stressors for families and relationships are significant. People who face these challenges often struggle in silence, afraid to admit their problems or reach out for help. We’ve heard many times in our planning process that people often feel a major pressure to project an image that their relationships and families are perfect, even though relationship challenges and stressors are normal and expected. Because of this, we need to continue to work to not only ensure that relationship-supporting resources are available, but also to ensure that people feel comfortable and empowered to reach out for help.

As much as I immediately understood the importance of the Healthy Relationships Initiative when we first started planning it, I can say with all certainty that I am more confident today than ever before about the need for this initiative in our community. The data and feedback we’ve received through our planning process all point directly to the need for more resources and information to help people navigate the complexities of relationships and family life.

We call this the Healthy Relationships Initiative, but I like to think of it more as a movement. We’re not just trying to initiate and start change in the community–We want to move toward a cultural shift in our community in which people will feel deeply that they’re living in a community in which happy, healthy, and safe relationships are valued and supported. Relationships can be one of the most wonderful and exciting parts of life, and yet they also can be extremely challenging and confusing. Through the Healthy Relationships Initiative, we look forward to partnering with local organizations and community members to continue building a community in which happy, healthy, and safe relationships are available to all.

Reference:

1 – Guilford County Family Justice Center Baseline Report, June 2015

Giving Directions is My Thing – But Where is the Map for Healthy Relationships?

By Christine Murray, Healthy Relationships Initiative Director

Everyone I know seems to have a thing. Something quirky that seems to happen often to them–more often than it seems to happen to others. One of my friends once told me that her thing is that toilet paper always seems to run out for her in public restrooms! She finds herself changing toilet paper or letting staff know about empty rolls more than most people. I’m guessing she’s right that toilet paper running out is her thing, since I can’t really recall that ever happening to me!

My thing is people asking me for directions. I’ve noticed that, wherever I go, people will often stop me to ask me for directions to the place they’re going. I told my kids about this not long ago, and they’ve seen how often it happens. Now it’s our little joke when people ask me for directions when I’m with them. The kids wait patiently when I’m trying to help, and then we smile and talk about it after the person has moved on. My older son recently said to me, “People really do stop you for directions all the time!”

I love it when people ask me for directions and I actually know what to tell them: “Oh, the best way to get there from here is….” This may sound kind of silly, but it genuinely makes me happy when I see the relief on their faces. They finally know how to get where they need to be. No longer confused, now they have a plan to get from Point A to Point B. It’s up to them to get there, but once they have a plan and sense of direction, they have a new confidence as they set off for their destination.

A couple weeks ago, I had a unique opportunity to give directions. I was walking back to my office across the UNCG campus. I came across a student who is blind and was walking with a white cane. I had noticed that he walked back and forth a couple times on the sidewalk among the buildings on campus. He paused moments before I was to pass by, and he turned and asked if I could help him find the building he was looking for. I started my usual way of providing directions by pointing in the direction he should walk, and then I realized he couldn’t see, so I said I wasn’t sure how to tell him the directions and offered to walk that way with him until he was comfortable he knew where he was going. He said, “Sure, if you’ve got a few minutes…,” and we were off. It wasn’t more than 30 seconds before he had regained his sense of direction, and he headed off confidently in the direction of the building where he was going, and he said he knew exactly where to go once he was inside the building.

I especially love when I can help people with directions when I’m in new territory that I don’t know well myself. Earlier this year, I was in Montreal for a conference. I had an afternoon to wander and explore the city, so I set off with just a general idea of where I was going. I walked by the Conference Center where the conference was being held, and then kept walking around to explore the sights and scenes in Montreal. I’ll admit I was more uncomfortable there than when I travel in the US, since many signs were in French–a language I think is beautiful but don’t understand at all! As I walked on, I noticed a woman approaching me, and I could tell a question about directions was about to come my way. Oh no! I didn’t know where anything was in Montreal, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be of any help. But then, lucky for us both, she asked me where the Conference Center was! Of all places she needed to go in Montreal, it was the one place I knew how to get her there. I pointed her in the direction of the Center, and she happily went on her way. Again, from confusion to confidence, all because the directions to the next stop were now clear. Even in my own discomfort, I was able to help as we both navigated this unfamiliar territory.

I have to confess, though, that even though giving directions is my thing, there are times when I don’t know where to tell the person to go. When I can’t help. When I don’t know how to guide people from where we are to where they want to go. If I can, I may try and help them find the information they’re looking for, such as by looking up an address on my phone or asking another person standing nearby. But sometimes, the best I have to offer is a general direction to travel, in hopes they’ll find someone there who knows the directions.

As we are gearing up to launch the Healthy Relationships Initiative, I’ve thought often how our goals for the initiative are similar to offering directions to someone who is trying to find their way. The truth is, we may all know our desired destination for our relationships–We want to build happy, healthy, and safe relationships with the important people in our lives. Sometimes, though, we just don’t know how to get there from where we’re starting from. Just like someone can feel lost and confused when navigating around a new city or part of town, people can feel lost and confused when navigating new relationship experiences and challenges. Unfortunately, though, it’s harder to find a map toward healthy relationships than it is to find a map toward a geographic location.

Through Healthy Relationships Initiative, we aim to build a network of information and resources to offer a “map” for building happier, healthier, and safer relationships in our community. Sometimes, seeking help for your relationships means learning brief bits of information–such as through our Toolkits and through information we’ll share on our social media channels–that you can apply to your relationships. In other cases, stronger relationships can be built by attending educational programs and activities where your guides walk beside you and help you learn and practice relationship skills so you can grow more confident and competent in navigating new territory in your relationships. And, sometimes, reaching out for help for your relationships may mean connecting with a counselor or other family service professional, with whom you can walk together as you navigate the complexities and uncertainties of your unique situation. In any case, when you’re feeling lost and confused about your relationships–or even if you’re just in need of a little boost to make sure you’re heading in the right direction–know that there are people, resources, and organizations in our community that are ready and waiting to offer you support. You just have to reach out.

I can’t promise that it’ll always be easy to get the help you need to support your relationships on the first try. But, given what I know about many of the people and organizations who work in our community to support people in their relationships and families, I can promise you that there are places to turn when you are ready to reach out for help. Many of them are ready and waiting to offer you not only “directions,” but also to walk alongside you as you work toward building the happy, healthy, and safe relationships that you desire!