Sometimes, the support of friends and family members, along with your own coping resources, can only go so far in helping you to navigate really difficult and chaotic relationship challenges.
Counseling or therapy can be helpful at any time in your relationship, but they can be a critical source of support when you face relationship problems that affect you to your core. Some signs that it might be time to reach out for professional help include the following:
You and/or the other person feel like you’ve tried everything you can do in your power to solve the situation, but you don’t see any progress.
You’ve noticed unhealthy or unsafe relationship behaviors creeping into your relationship. (Note: Any form of physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse or violence should be taken very seriously in a relationship. In relationships in which any form of violence is present, couples counseling is not recommended due to safety reasons. Individual counseling can provide support for the victim/survivor, and a domestic violence perpetrator intervention is recommended for anyone who uses abusive behaviors in the context of a relationship.)
You’ve developed mental health symptoms, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms, especially if they become more severe and frequent.
You’re failing to take care of yourself, such as by eating a nutritious diet or getting a healthy amount of sleep.
Thoughts of your relationship problems feel like they’re taking over your mind. You find yourself distracted and unable to focus on your work or other responsibilities.
You feel overwhelmed by the situation and confused about what to do.
It’s normal to feel embarrassed to reach out for professional help. Remind yourself: “It’s a sign of strength to have the courage to seek the help I need.”A trained professional can provide valuable support, such as helping you to process your feelings and thoughts, develop new relationship skills, connect your current situation with significant past events in your life, and gain new insights into your situation.
Whether you seek help individually or with your partner, trained professionals can provide valuable, instrumental support as you face crises and chaos in your relationships.
It’s natural to feel alone and isolated when you’re facing chaos in a relationship with someone who’s very close to you. That person may be your primary source of support, so when that bond is fragile, you may feel lonely and confused about where you can find help.
However, reaching out for help from trusted friends and family members can be an important step toward moving beyond the chaos. If you’re afraid to admit that you need help, remind yourself of the following: “People who care about me would want to help me get through this.”
Before you reach out for help from friends and family, however, take some time to think through how to do this in the way that’s most likely to help your current situation and least likely to make it worse. Think through the details of whose help and advice you want to seek, and consider any possible negative side effects of involving any other people in your relationship problems.
Also, consider your intentions for seeking help: Are you reaching out because you want the other person’s support and guidance, or are you trying to find people to take your side and turn against the other person? Although the latter motive may offer some temporary relief, involving someone else in that way can lead to long-term problems.
Here are some other questions to help you consider who in your life might be helpful to ask for support in the midst of a relationship challenge:
Would this person have my best interests at heart?
Will this person offer me objective, reasonable advice, even if that means possibly telling me about things they think I’m doing that might be contributing to this situation?
Does this person know enough about my history to understand why I think and feel the way I do?
Is this person a good listener?
Can I trust this person not to tell the details of my problems to other people?
If you can identify one or more people who you can answer “yes” to most of all of the above questions, consider how you might reach out to them for their support. This support can be crucial for helping you to feel connected and cared for as you face the difficult times in your relationship.
It’s important to do your best to keep hope alive, even in the midst of the most difficult relationship struggles. Take time to develop a positive mindset, such as by reflecting on the following affirmation: “This situation is difficult, but I trust that I/we will get through it and that there’s something positive waiting for me/us on the other side.”
Negativity–both in the relationship and within your own mind–can turn into a destructive cycle, leaving you and the situation feeling more hopeless and making it more difficult to see solutions.
A positive attitude doesn’t mean that you’ll gloss over problems or avoid facing difficult conversations. Instead, a positive attitude can help you accept that you are currently facing hard times, as well as trust that these difficult situations can be overcome.
Try to reframe your current challenges as an opportunity to learn and grow, which ultimately will help you to become a better, stronger person. These challenges also can be opportunities for growth and a deeper connection in your relationship, if and when you can overcome them in a healthy way.
If possible, try to encourage the other person to keep this positive mindset as well. You might even consider starting your difficult conversations by stating an intention to remain positive and focused on understanding each other and building solutions. If the other person chooses not to join you in the positive mindset, that’s their choice to make, and you’ll probably have to work harder to stay positive yourself. However, even in the most challenging times, holding on to a positive outlook can help you to move beyond feelings of hopelessness.
In times of relationship chaos and conflict, it’s time to activate your strongest and best relationship skills. This includes an intentional effort to use positive communication skills, such as speaking clearly and thoughtfully and listening to understand the other person. Other useful relationship skills include conflict management, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and repairing disconnection.
It’s important to build up your relationship skill set before conflict and chaos erupt. Take time during the calm, positive times in your relationship to strengthen your relationship skills. (Our Healthy Relationships Initiative Toolkits offer resources to help you do this!)
Practice positive relationship skills in less intense moments so that you’ll be prepared with the intensity comes. I’ll admit that it’s very, very difficult to stick with positive relationship skills in the midst of relationship chaos, especially if the other person is not using them. However, the more you apply those skills during difficult times in your relationship, the better you’ll be able to prevent the situation from getting worse. You’ll also be better positioned to get the relationship back on track and work toward reconnecting, if possible.
To help make relationship skills work for you in the midst of relationship chaos, consider the following affirmation: “Relationship challenges are opportunities to practice positive communication and other relationship skills.”
Although you can’t control another person’s actions, that doesn’t mean that you should simply allow other people to continue to treat you in ways that are damaging to you, your relationship, and other people involved.
It’s important to communicate your boundaries to the other person. Only they can decide if they’ll honor or violate your boundaries, but it’ll be easier for you to determine if they’ve crossed your boundaries if you are certain you’ve communicated the boundaries to them.
Try the following affirmation as you’re in the process of discovering, communicating, and maintaining your boundaries: “I have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.”
With this background of you acknowledging that you are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect, I suggest the following steps for boundary setting in a chaotic relationship situation.
Engaging in self-reflection: Identify your needs for how you want to be treated within the context of that relationship.
Turning insight into boundaries: Translate the needs you identified in Step 1 into boundaries for your relationship. Identify which behaviors will and will not be acceptable to you in the relationship.
Determining how to communicate your boundaries: Take time to think through the most positive way you can communicate your boundaries to the other person. Consider how you can convey these in a non-threatening manner, so that the other person will be least defensive and most receptive to your needs.
Communicating your boundaries: Find a good time that feels relatively calm and stable. Be calm and clear. If you’re confident in your needs, communicate them firmly but in a caring manner. To the extent you feel it’s necessary, share the rationale for your boundaries. However, if you’re certain about them, avoid getting into a debate them with the other person. You can say, “I’ve told you what I would like to see in our relationship. This is important to me. It’s your choice if you’ll choose to honor this request, but I hope you will consider it and my needs.”
Responding to boundary violations: If the other person violates a boundary you’ve communicated clearly to them, consider the best way to respond. You can remind them of your request through another conversation. You may choose not to respond, such as if they call you at an hour that you asked them not to call you. Take time to determine the best course of action.
Observing the other person’s response to your boundaries: Notice the extent to which the other person honors your boundaries. If the other person frequently violates your boundaries, it may be a sign of their lack of respect for you. On the other hand, when someone respects your boundaries, this can help to re-establish trust and respect in the relationship.
Choosing your next steps: As you begin to be more comfortable with understanding and communicating your boundaries, you may identify new boundary issues to address. You may notice other boundary violations in other areas of your life. Stay mindful of your boundaries and how other people respond to them over time, and repeat the steps above as needed.
Take time to reflect on the values that are important to you. How do you want to treat others? Most of us want to act with kindness and to be thought of as good-hearted people.
When someone else is treating you in a hurtful way, your first temptation may be to hurt them back. Try your best to resist this temptation. If you do say or do something that was hurtful, acknowledge it and apologize as soon as possible.
One of the reasons it is so hard to act kindly and admit mistakes when someone is hurting you is that you may think, “Why should I be nice to them, when they’re being so mean to me?” But, the truth is that acting in a kind way isn’t just for the other person–think of it instead as a gift you can give yourself.
You see, someday, you’re going to look back on this chaotic relationship situation, and I want you to look back and feel proud of yourself for staying true to your values and acting with kindness and integrity. If you sink down to their level, not only is it likely the situation will spiral further downward, but you also may regret things you’ve said and done.
To remember this principle during relationship chaos, consider saying the following affirmation: “No matter what the other person does to me, I choose to act with kindness and integrity.”
When chaos erupts in our relationships, we often have little control over the things happening around us, such as the choices another person is making, how quickly things can change, and external circumstances that are outside of our control.
Although we may not have any ability to control these things, what we can manage is our responses to the challenges we face. A good question to ask yourself in the midst of a chaotic relationship situation is, “What can I do to take care of myself in this situation?”
For example, you may not be able to change how the other person is treating you, but you can make a choice about how you will respond. When you’re faced with a relationship situation that feels out of control, consider the following questions to help process your emotions and needs, as well as to help identify potential steps you can take toward creating positive movement in the situation:
How safe do I feel, both physically and emotionally? (Note: If you feel unsafe in your relationship, in any way, take steps to protect your safety. If you are facing abuse of any kind, reach out for help, such as by calling the Guilford County Family Justice Center at (336) 641-SAFE (7233)or the Family Service of the Piedmont Crisis Line (Greensboro: 336-273-7273; High Point: 336-889-7273).
What am I feeling right now? What incidents or experiences led to these feelings?
What are my greatest fears about what could happen in this situation?
What expectations have I been holding that weren’t met in this relationship? Did the other person know I had this expectation?
What do I need and/or want from the other person that I haven’t been getting? How can I ask for this in a way that the other person will be most likely to listen to my concerns?
How well am I coping with the stress I’m feeling? What could I do to better manage my stress (e.g., write in a journal, exercise, practice relaxation techniques, or talk with a trusted friend)?
What can I do to feel at peace (this week, today, the next hour, the next five minutes)?
It’s so tempting to focus on what the other person needs to change! You could probably offer the other person a lengthy lesson on all of the problematic things they’ve said and done, along with your suggestions for what they need to start doing differently to make the relationship better. It can be helpful to spend some time thinking about this, especially if there’s a chance that the other person is being abusive or has violated your boundaries within the relationship.
If the other person has been abusive in any way, remember that the other person is fully responsible for those abusive actions or words, and you have a right to physical and emotional safety in your relationship.
Whether chaos in a relationship relates to abuse or non-abusive problems, it’s important to remember that you can’t make another person change. The other person is an individual with their own mind, and they make the choices about how they think, act, and respond to their emotions. In a healthy relationship, people consider other’s needs when making these choices.
Unfortunately, you can only go so far in influencing someone who is not able to do this or who chooses to act in unhealthy ways. It’s helpful in the midst of chaos to remind yourself that you and the other person are separate. You may not agree with the choices they’re making, but you can make the choice to acknowledge their right to make decisions for their life.
An affirmation to help you practice this point is: “The other person is choosing to act this way. I would make a different choice, but I can accept that their choice is their own.”
Relationships can be the source of so much pleasure and joy in life. There are few joys that rival the wonderful feeling of truly and deeply connecting with a person who we love and care for. Healthy, happy relationships offer so many opportunities for experiencing this joy and happiness, whether it’s a romantic date with your intimate partner or a fun-filled day with your family.
With the depth of the joy we can experience in the context of close, loving relationships, it’s no surprise that the pain we can experience in relationships can run just as deeply. In fact, I think it is because we know the joy of our relationships that the pain can be magnified. Not only do we face the direct source of our pain–whether it’s a betrayal, a conflict, a loss of trust, a sense of being taken for granted, or an unmet expectation–but we also indirectly face the fear of losing the joy of connection within that relationship.
If not managed well, relationship problems and conflicts can spiral quickly out of control. A relationship that once felt safe and comforting can begin to feel like utter chaos. In this chaos, it’s normal to feel like you just don’t know what to do. This is especially true if the efforts you’re making to turn things around just aren’t working. You may be reaching out to the other person to try and reconnect, but they’re not budging or listening. You’ve reached a stalemate, and you feel stuck, lost, and confused.
When this sort of chaos erupts in your relationships, it’s natural to feel hopeless and be tempted to give up. But, even in the most hopeless relationship situations, there can be hope for a positive change to occur. Today, we’re starting a series of Healthy Relationships Initiative blog posts to help you if you face this type of situation in a relationship. Starting tomorrow, we’ll cover a series of 8 steps you can take to move toward some calm and growth in the midst of the chaos. Along with each suggestion in this series, I’ll offer a potential affirmation that you can use to provide a sense of calm and reassurance in the midst of chaotic times.
Stay tuned throughout the coming days for more on ways to manage relationship chaos. We hope you’ll find this information useful, whether you need it now or tuck it away for future relationship challenges in your own life or the life of someone you care about.
As we launch Healthy Relationships Initiative this month, we want to introduce you to the leaders of HRI. Today, we’re featuring Shelley Ewing, who is Project Coordinator for HRI.
Tell us a little bit about your professional background and how it connects to your work with the Healthy Relationships Initiative.
I spent the first 15 years of my professional life in higher education at both public and private institutions in various roles, and in the last year I served as the program director Guilford Education Alliance. In addition to my work, I volunteer with Hospice and Palliative Care of Greensboro helping families cope with the effects of terminal illness and the loss of loved ones. I think the thread that connects all three of these experiences with my new role as project coordinator is the sense of purpose I find in providing others with the resources they need to empower themselves.
During my time as an admissions counselor, my role was to assist students as they navigated the college search and application process and to provide families with the support they needed during the transition from high school to college. While working as an academic adviser I assisted students with academic planning, course selection and registration. These responsibilities were the official duties of my positions, but that’s a limited view of what I did on a daily basis. What the work really entailed was working closely with students and their families to understand their hopes and dreams as well as the potential challenges that stood in the way of a successful college experience. In order to understand the needs of my students, I developed healthy and safe relationships with them and encouraged them to do so with other staff and faculty on campus. These relationships with advisers, faculty, and staff in various departments served as a support system for them to navigate college life. My goals were to always be a safe person for my students and to help them find the courage to do the things they wanted to do.
The fulfilment I got from those experiences lead me to a career in nonprofits. I was fortunate to work with the wonderful team at Guilford Education Alliance helping advocate for the students and teachers of Guilford County. While there I helped the organization transition to a new facility, assisted with the redesign of their popular Teacher Supply Warehouse program, and coordinated annual community outreach events including Principal for a Day and the Education Summit. That hooked me on working in nonprofits, so that’s why I am thrilled to have this opportunity to connect all my experiences with my passion for helping others in the community!
Why are you excited to be involved with the Healthy Relationships Initiative?
I’m excited about the community outreach opportunities that an initiative like this brings to Guilford County, and I’m looking forward to contributing to the wonderful work already underway. I hope to use my experience in project management to assist with organizing events that are substantive, compassionate, and accessible to those interested in learning more about fostering positive relationships. True to its mission, HRI has already organized several community events, from Sundays Unplugged at the Greensboro Children’s Museum to a workshop on Tech Safety in Teen Relationships in an effort to infuse the local community with information, resources and services to promote happy, healthy, and safe relationships.
Since there isn’t one perfect way to create healthy relationships, I think attending a variety of these events allows participants to take information from each presentation and build their own understanding of what it takes to have healthy relationships. That’s the beauty of this initiative. It’s not a paint-by-numbers program that will eventually equal a magically perfect relationship. It’s a road map to understanding all the different ways you and your loved ones can work together to create healthy relationships for your unique situation.
If you could change one thing about relationships in our community, what would you change?
I have to echo Christine’s thoughts here, one of the biggest hurdles to healthy relationships, and emotional well-being in general, is the stigma attached to admitting there’s a problem and seeking help in times of distress and conflict. I would like to see these challenges addressed by implementing special programming in our schools from Pre-K to college with an emphasis on recognizing early signs of relationship distress and practicing techniques that empower and encourage students to create healthy, happy and safe relationships.
How have your own experiences with relationships and your family influenced your thinking about the Healthy Relationships Initiative?
Like many people, I have experienced some truly wonderful relationships and some really terrible ones! Given the ups and downs of life, I think I could have benefited from early training on how to effectively communicate my needs to my loved ones in the midst of distress and conflict. Reflecting on my experiences, I feel that with the right information and support I would have been better prepared to understand and deal with complex issues as I transitioned into different stages of life. This is why HRI is important to me. HRI’s goal to provide community support that focuses on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships for all ages is an initiative I can be proud to support and learn from.
What do you think is the #1 key to a happy, healthy, and safe relationship?
There are several components to happy, healthy, and safe relationships listed here, that I firmly believe in, but my all-time #1 has to be FUN. So much of life is demanding — think crazy work schedules, financial responsibilities, soccer practices, and meal planning — that over time we experience a tremendous amount stress just living our daily lives. It is so easy to focus on the negatives in life or the craziness of this week’s schedule, but adding fun to the day helps focus interactions on positive emotions and makes for more fulfilling relationships of all kinds.
Something that my husband and I do every day is make each other laugh out loud. And, by the way, for us it’s not enough to share a smile about a joke on TV or something funny that was said in passing. We are aiming for a full-belly-laugh or at least a few out loud giggles. It’s almost a competition between the two of us to see who can make the other one laugh the hardest! We love to connect over something that brings us both so much joy.
